There are so many ways in which my canine companions function as spiritual guides that I will need to break it into several posts to try and cover the ideas.
The first one I have in mind was awakened last Sunday when I was listening to my usual CBC show Tapestry, a "weekly exploration of religion, spirituality and the search for meaning". Last week host Mary Hynes had as a guest, one Alan Morinis, a follower of the Jewish path called Mussar, and authour of the book "Everyday Holiness:The Jewish SPiritual path of Mussar". I found him a wonderful speaker and although I am not Jewish, the practises he was describing are identical to those I utilize in my own daily life, in my quest for goodness and self mastery. In particular, he talked about identifying the struggles that continually come up, places within the self where we encounter our own tendency to "evil" - which is understood here not as some anthropomorphic entity, nor as deeply diabolical even, but rather as the smaller more everyday traits we wish we didn't have - anger, vengefulness, pettiness, jealousy and so on. He talked about looking first at the issues that are like a boulder in the road blocking your way, and then once you have made progress with those, you will have to confront some smaller rocks and eventually, gravel in your shoe. But to start with the large, recurring struggles, the aspects and attitudes within YOU that most dearly require work. Start with those and work on them. Work practically, too, not simply in the head. For example if you are stingy, you must perform three acts of generosity a day. You start with your biggest flaws and most of us, unless we are really delusional, pretty much know where those lie.
In the book, Morinis says:
"Every one of us is assigned to master something in our lives. You have already been given your assignment and you have already encountered it, though you may not be aware that what faces you is a curriculum, nor that this is the central task of your life. My purpose in this book is to help you wake up to your personal curriculum and to guide your steps toward mastering it."
I know a lot of modern people balk at terms like "evil" and "holiness". For me, the roots of what I call evil lie in everyday behaviour, in things like deception (including self deception) bullying, ignoring the needs of those around you, selfishness, anger, and so on. While the hurts these actions inflict may seem minor when compared to the truly demonic evil we tend to associate with the term, they are the seeds of our inhumanity toward others,and modern life is filled to the brim with the narcissism that builds and encourages them. my own spiritual path has often been in crisis as I struggle with what I all the "symbol system" - I grant equal validity to all religions, seeing them as maps of the sacred only and have often been drawn to several at a time - but at the heart of my daily work is this exact practise, the awareness of myself, on a deep level, and how my actions affect the wellbeing of others. I have mainly drawn from Buddhism in tihs regard, but that's irrelevant, it was interesting to me to hear this practise, which I have made the heart of my own life, is a best selling book and an online course - why didn't I think of that?!?
All joking aside, it was a nice hour of listening and it focused my mind back on to the First Lesson I obtained from dogs - specifically from Lila; that love is an act of giving, often to the point of sacrifice and in the case of dogs, often under intense ridicule and judgement from others.
Like many people in our world,I grew up feeling worthless and unloved. I began to focus my attention on myself, because for me, survival was the order of the day. When children's needs are not met - physical needs, but more importantly emotional needs - they are always affected, and how that damage will manifest depends of course on the individual child. I took to an intense exploration of my inner world - through formal study in psychology and religion, a fixation on what makes the mind tick, and externally on a desperate quest for approval. In my life this meant always having to have the best grades, always looking great (and I am not naturally pretty, so this took extraordinary effort and energy) and perhaps acquiring the status symbols that would make me acceptable to my middle class family and their friends. Of course, none of this ever worked. I spent many years of my life in pursuit of becoming "lovable" all the while simply appearing to others as self focused, shallow, egocentric.
Internally though my life has been an altogether different story.
And, in 1995 when I took that drive to look at the full moon, and there was this little lost being at the side of the road, everything absolutely changed.
When I was thinking about this earlier, one thing came to mind. I was always able to love, I have loved animals since I was a small child. But growing up, every animal I had was taken from me. My mother could not possibly care for a dog, so the ones my dad brought home lasted three months at best - except the Borzoi, whom my mother saw as a status symbol, and who was also very quiet and unassuming, so we had her for years. My beloved cat whom I had for three years my mother made my father remove from the house. I was never told why or even that Sheba was going; I just woke up one day and she was gone. All these years later I weep as I write this. not only for the animals I loved and were lost to me, but for the terrible, insensible cruelty that would allow a parent to do that to as sensitive, unpopular, bookish little girl whose greatest joy in life was time spent with her various animals.
I learned never to believe in anything and to gather my resources around me and hold them tightly.
And then I found Lila.
Lila taught me that love is all that matters. That when we act from a matrix of love, our self is so small, our physical bodies just vessels. And that's what Christ demands, what God wants of us, what the Buddha taught, what we experience in deep connection with Isis or Gaia,or Sophia, the Holy Mother of Wisdom.
Lila taught me this line from the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the courage to change the things I can.
And boy, did I change things! :)
Selfishness was the huge boulder in my way along the road. Self focus. I understand and forgive myself for being that way; I was MADE to be that way by a cruel and rejection-filled childhood.And I am by no means over it; I still spend three quarters of my time fretting over what to do next and how to establish some security for my future. But that's now not so much selfishness as it is commonsense and practicality. I know how much I have to give and how much courage I can muster if the situation calls for it. Lila was and is a great teacher - a Master teacher - along this journey to wholeness we call life. Through my love for her I saw the power of all love, and the beauty of sacrifice and of giving. I would do it all again for one hour more.
And as a great teacher would, she left me with the next part of the challenge; the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. On this point I have much to do.
But what we love has the power to change our flaws, to provide the impetus to change, to make us aware and put us on the path. If we are quick to anger, we will overcome that. If we are shallow and self focused, we will deepen and expand. And as I am being reminded right this very minute, if we are introverted, obsessive, studious and nerdy, and sit writing at a computer all day when SOMEONE needs a walk, we will - if we're very lucky - find a soft warm muzzle gently nudging our hand off the computer.
It's time to go walking, now. I am far too cerebral and not physical enough, though Lord knows I do try to balance myself. I need to go breathe th fall air and relax and still my mind. I need to be grounded. Although I don't particularly want to work on this aspect of myself - ok, it's like pulling teeth- I know it to be the next boulder in the road ahead - Daniel just said so. Let's GO, Mom!!!
And dogs never lie about love, nor do they hold up a clouded mirror. The Catherine I see post-Lila is an embattled warrior who knows the transcendent power of love and sacrifice. And now must learn the lessons of acceptance and groundedness, light-heartedness and play.
I will get myself ready for the cold fall air and the joyous sight of two Ridgebacks playing in the mist.
Shalom!
Cat
