TTouch Case Study - Luke

Written in the year 2005, I believe, about my darling.

So very much he taught me.

Luke is my own dog, a six year old neutered male Rhodesian Ridgeback. Luke has been a TTouch dog from puppyhood, but he does not appear to enjoy many of the lighter touches. Like many heavily muscled dogs he responds more favourably to deeper TTouches, especially Tiger TTouch. He also accepts Python Lifts and as he has grown older he is less fidgety about small light circles. Luke is also epileptic and his neurological condition means he will often act out somewhat explosively, with vocalizations although he has never shown an acceleration to biting he is a large Ridgeback and these outbursts can be frightening.I speculate too that his condition makes him more prone to sensory defensiveness, so he has very distinct physical preferences and at times seems to find contact almost unbearable. This has made him an interesting and sometimes challenging case study over the years.
Luke is also undersocialized which exacerbates his tendency to act out his uncertainty as vocalizing and threatening behaviour. As with Lila I will present a couple of different examples of effective use of TTouch in managing some of his behavioural and health issues.

The examples I present are:

1) Using the balance leash to address leash pulling
2) Using Tiger TTouches to re-direct excessive vocalization and guarding behaviour.
3) Use of a full body wrap to increase confidence with small dogs
4) Using various Ttouches to work through post-ictal behaviour with an epileptic dog

Example One: Balance leash
Dates: Approximately between Fall 1999 and spring 2000
Place: various places

One of my first challenges with Luke was his great physical strength and determination in leash pulling. He was always resistant to the leash, right from puppyhood when he would grab it between his teeth and merrily attempt to lead ME. By the time he was a full grown, 115 lb. dog, it had become a problem to say the least. Although Ridgebacks are classified as both scent and sight hounds, Luke has a strong inclination to scenting and tracking and so this was a biological imperative we were working with. When I started using the balance leash, I found that we could redirect his attention and clarify our messages so that over a few weeks of practise, Luke's pulling issues diminished and eventually (after adding the use of a clicker system) disappeared altogether. Here is how I used the balance leash to minimize pulling:
After attaching the leash to his soft martingale collar, I would loop it around his chest to form a sort of rein where I could exert gentle pressure on his chest as opposed to using his neck as a contact point. With two points of contact I could use one and then immediately following that, the other end of the leash to make a noticeable but not overly firm "pull and release" First one, then the other, while also giving the verbal instruction "Wait"...This would therefore offer three reinforcing instructions - 1) the the fact of my stopping forward movement and coming to a stop 2) the pull and release on two consecutive ends of the balance leash and 3) the verbal instruction.

Initially this was not enough to redirect Luke who was at that time, eighteen months old,still intact,and highly distractable. Once I began to introduce the use of a food reward he became extremely motivated to pay attention and I would practise at home, three, four times per day in short periods (no more than fifteen minutes because his attention span was short at that time). Over about a two week period I began to be able to phase out the food rewards or offer sporadically. After a few more weeks the leash pulling was reduced to specific instances such as when we would first arrive at a new location and he needed to smell around for a minute to orient himself. I learned also to allow him to engage in this sniffing on a loose leash so as not to be competing with the biological imperative; after he had taken a look around so to speak I would then use the balance leash to remind him it was time to connect with what I am doing,and that method has served us well over the course of his life.

Example# Two:
Using Tiger TTouch to redirect guarding behaviour
Date: Autumn 2001
Place: home of my sister in law

Ridgebacks are dogs with highly developed guarding instincts; protective is a word often used to describe the breed, which was developed to track large game in Africa as well as guard the homesteads. It's extremely important that pups be well socialized as youngsters or this instinct can become excessive, as was the case with Luke. At the age of three, I found he had developed a tendency to behave with unnecessary force, barring people from entering my home even when I had instructed him that I was accepting the visitor.
In the fall of 2001, I had occasion to spend two months staying at the home of friends, and Luke quickly decided this was now his home and he would not allow them to enter. Needless to say this behaviour was frustrating; he was unresponsive to clicker work, voice commands or distraction with food. Whenever the owners of the household arrived Luke would leap to his feet and stand at the door they were attempting to enter, bellowing a ferocious warning and using other classic canine body signals of territorial defense. The fact he knew these individuals well appeared irrelevant. For several weeks my only "solution" was to lock him in a room when my host and hostess arrived home.

One evening quite by accident I discovered that Luke "listens" more responsively to my hands than he does to my voice. While he was standing at the door baying, I came up behind him and used a firm grasp on both haunches, to catch his attention. he stopped bellowing and turned to look at me. Imediately I began using a Tiger TTouch of about a level four - fairly firm TTouch - and he completely relaxed. I continued the session for about five minutes, focusing on his deeply muscled hind end and lower back - and subsequently used this approach when anyone arrived at the door. It has now become my method of conveying to Luke that his protective services are no longer required. Another example of incorporating TTouch into daily life in a way that gently and effectively helps deal with a behaviour issue.

Example# Three: Using a Body Wrap to address confidence issues

Date: April 2000
Place: Rupert Facility

This was an observation made at a two day seminar I attended in the spring of 2000. Luke was at that time about a year and a half and still intact, but his hormones had not kicked in and his manner at that time was very mild and unassuming, especially in contrast to later behavioural developments. On the second afternoon he began to grow agitated and restless and particularly distressed by the presence of any smallish dogs who approached him from behind. At one point a small terrier type dog came up behind him and Luke swung around abruptly and issued a serious warning, all signals indicating an automated fearful response. At that time I suggested to my partner (Eddy beltran) that we try a full body wrap, to increase Luke's awareness of his hind end boundaries and perhaps feel less vulnerable.
The wrap employed started around the chest and fastened over his back; then a second bandage was added which looped firmly (but not tightly) around his hind end, underneath the tail. Within a matter of a minute or two Luke visibly relaxed and lowered his tail, softened his gaze and pinned his ears back in a manner characteristic of Ridgebacks expressing affection. The change in his tension level was dramatic and immediate. For the remainder of the day Luke seemed calm and self contained. We left the wrap on for about fifteen minutes but the effects were lingering.
I have since used the whole-body wrap as a standard part of my repertoire with Luke, whenever a potentially stressful experience is expected.


Example# Four: Using various TTouches to address post-ictal agitation in an epileptic dog

In January of 2002 Luke experienced his first seizure, and after a few weeks of veterinary investigation ruling out all other possible causes, a diagnosis of idiopathic epilepsy was made. Between January 2002 and October 2003 the frequency of his seizures intensified until there was no alternative but to medicate him. In the year since October 2003 Luke has experienced only two mild seizures and both during times of stress. Prior to the medication we could have anywhere from one every six weeks to, at the end, one or two per week. Intensity varied from mild to severe and length from brief (under one minute) to dangerously lengthy (eight minutes). Particularly after a grand mal and also toward the end of this time period when seizure activity was more frequent, Luke would experience many of the classic post-ictal symptoms, including pacing, anxiety, agitation,ataxia, loss of balance and on two occasions, transient blindness. Needless to say these periods, which can range from thirty minutes to several hours, were challenging and required ingenuity and persistence on my part to discover which techniques would prove most effective at relieving the intensity of these symptoms as well as shortening their duration. I used a variety of methods including nutritional supplements and Bach Flower Remedies, but TTouch made a consistently helpful contribution to the therapy.

Here are the main methods I have used to date with this issue:

1) Tiger TTouches, of a firm level, say four or even five; these TTouches are enjoyable to Luke and can help him focus his attention outside himself for a minute, so it breaks his agitation pattern. I use them fairly quickly when he is agitated but make slower circles when he seems calm, following the logic that it's best to adapt speed to the dog's general arousal level.
2) Lying Leopards - again I would go to no lower than a pressure three, because of luke's tendency to be annoyed by faint pressures. I use Lying leopard especially on haunch, side and chest as Luke finds legwork and anything near his paws agitating.
3) Abalones and Python lifts - once luke has settled I always spend several minutes with these very calming and connecting TTouches, which appear to communicate a sense of security to him. If I am helping him relax into sleep I start with a level five and move down a little at a time into a level Two, so my removal of my hand is not too jolting.
4) Wands - On those occasions when Luke has needed to go outside immediately after a seizure, he often becomes disoriented and will begin shaking. At these times I have found that using a wand with a soft fleece wrapped around the end can be used to gently follow the line of his legs down to the ground and help connect him to a sense of stability. He dislikes any type of wrap when post-ictal but accepts the use of the wand and appears to become more grounded and centerd a a result of it..
5) Ear Work - although Luke usually is quite fussy about his ears and head, when he becomes disoriented after a seizure I find him more accepting and the ear work is indispensable. I use the pressure point at the tip of the ear, and apply a steady firm pressur of perhaps a three level. I will use the Triple Heater and perform long strokes down the ear flap, using both sides firmly (Pressure two or three) as long as he accepts it. If he will tolerate a few minutes of ear work I continue doing it as it is very effective for bringing his confusion down. If however he seems intolerant of this or any other TTouches I simply change the pressure or move to a different part of the body altogether.

In summary, these are the basic TTouches I use in helping Luke regain a sense of security and balance after a seizure.

If I can sneak in a few quick Raccoons around his lower legs and feet I feel they assist in reminding the body where the connection to solid ground is, but I refrain from this if he appears upset by it and pulls his paw away quickly. In combination with BFRs and tryptophan and specific carbohydrates (usually, milk, sometimes ice cream) I've been able to shorten the time and intensity of these symptoms and allow him to fall into the lengthy sleep that follows as the final stage of recovery.
In conclusion overall, through the past six years with Luke I've relied on Ttouch in several situations and found it an incredibly helpful tool behaviourally, physically and emotionally.

This past few years I have spent much time working on what Stephen Levine so poignantly calls “Opening the Heart in Hell” – the practise of keeping aware, breathing, soft, and open even during the most intensely painful of times. It is always easy to practise our spiritual truths and ideals in good times. It is always easy to be kind to the beings around us who invite it – the loving friend, the anam cara dog, horse, cat or bird, the triumphs of justice and testaments to human goodness. how to be UNkind when the sun is shining (or the moon!) and one’s heart is full of peace and equanimity? But during the dark nights, which for some of us seem to never end, how much harder to stay clear, true to our practise, soft, and open…how easy to let all one’s love flow out to the terrified steer in the chute, the cages of dogs and cats in Asia, waiting for horrific suffering, the dying child or mother leaving family behind…how impossible hard to keep even the smallest corner of compassion for the factory farm or laboratory worker brutalizing a terrified, innocent animal, for the wealthy turning their backs on the poor, for the racist, the indifferent, the narcissistic…
But we know somehow we must TRY, and to try is not to condone or tolerate or pacify. I am a peace lover but I am not a pacifist; I have no qualms at all about stopping anyone I can from causing suffering to the innocent. But to loathe the action and work for change should not mean that compassion is closed off to the perpetrators. This is the work of many lifetimes but all the more urgent each and every one of us get on it NOW.

In the Hell I see around me in the world, oftentimes my own suffering becomes swept aside or undervalued. This too is a mistake; the abandonment of my family, the death of my brother, the alienation from those I called friends, all has wounded me personally to a great degree. I try to walk in balance with it and KNOW that the large scale horror of the world does not diminish my own pain any more than my individual suffering should eclipse the larger reality. Such is the way of all who aspire to gnosis; to balance and understand paradox. I hurt, and am mistreated,and I let myself down. The world is filled with violence and ignorance. Neither one cancels out the other. Both need to be addressed with an open mind and heart always in balance, always informing one another.

So the daily struggle goes. But what about Heaven? What about the beauty, love, generosity, wisdom, abundance and nurturance of the natural world? When did my own heart become so throttled with disbelief and pain that the rhythm of joy was erased for me? This is the thing that none of us can allow to happen. It almost seems destiny, I am inclined to offer my life up as a corrective to the imbalances around me; in this case, the flaccid, New-Age thinking (or want thereof) that claims a path of spirit when indeed, it represents nothing more than denial, narcissism and intellectual folly. I may champion the processes of thought and mind as artful balance to self indulgent claims about “intuition” as a superior mode of response. I may confront with images of horror and brutality when the overload of indulgence for the individual becomes too much for me. I may stick like a thorn in the side of those who believe that THIS animals should have a personal masseuse, nutritionist, a new wardrobe every season and eat only organic home prepared food – while it’s perfectly ok for THIS animals to lead a life of absolute suffering and misery. What ends up happening here is ultimately, my own connection to the beauty, harmony, joy and tenderness of the created world becomes fractured and at times, even lost. Just as there is suffering, there is hope. Just as there is pain and injustice, there is compassion and integrity. Just as there is hell, there is heaven.

And I am looking deeply into the heaven I have closed my heart to. AS I stand in a calm green pasture with my beloved horse beside me; as I look out on the Gatineau River with it’s islands of inuks, as we drive north to fetch oats for his dinner; as I sit under the silver maple out back and drink good fresh tea, feel the wind on my face, hear the waxwings above me – pick herbs for dinner, watch the stars from my bedroom – I can no longer deny the peace of this life and the heaven-like aspects I have been gifted with. It is as though my acute awareness of the suffering of the world has closed me off to my own capacity for appreciation…my drive to “open the heart in Hell” has somehow focused me more on that Hell, both personal and universal. “Practise the wound of love” says Da Free John, quoted in Grace and Grit by Ken Wilber, as he faced the death of his newly found soulmate and bride…and I believe, honour, embrace that truth. “Open the Heart in Hell” says the man who, along with my dogs and John O’Donohue, kept me alive while I faced my brother’s suicide ALL ALONE. Rabindranath Tagore reminds us of this core spiritual truth, and I have a copy hanging on my office wall:

If they answer not to thy call walk alone,
If they are afraid and cower mutely facing the wall,
O thou of evil luck,
open thy mind and speak out alone.
If they turn away, and desert you when crossing the wilderness,
O thou of evil luck,
trample the thorns under thy tread,
and along the blood-lined track travel alone.
If they do not hold up the light when the night is troubled with storm,
O thou of evil luck,
with the thunder flame of pain ignite thy own heart
and let it burn alone.

But while I face the wound of love (loss) and the need to stay centered in Hell (animal welfare work) and the sadness of personal abandonment and struggle – I will NOT overlook the soft, happy chortle of my blind horse when he hears me from across the field, and the gentleness of his nose probing my pockets for treats. I will not let the afternoon slip by without that tea in the garden, and I will not bolt down the fresh vegetables and herbs I grew myself, sitting in front of the tv, exhausted. I will not walk my dog as though it were yet another of life’s excessive and demanding tasks I cannot keep up with, I will carry my flask of coffee and my notepad and sit down in the woods and partake of his company, record his exuberant joy at being outside and alive and unfettered. I will bake the blueberry cornbread, carbs and all I might even cover a piece in sweet butter. And my prayers will not *just* be for all beings to be happy, for the hearts frozen in hatred to be melted, for the suffering to cease. they will be prayers in praise of creation, in gratitude and in joy, that the gods I love will not look at me as an ingrate and a naysayer, that my own gifts will be recorded in Akasha as recognized and cherished.
I will seek more balance here, and not allow my fear of New Age mindlessness to prevent me from embracing the wondrous pulse of life, it’s eros and it’s serenity and it’s beauty.

For as Meister Eckhart said – and here’s a quote to live by – “If the only prayer you ever made was “thank you’ – that would be sufficient”.

Thank you…thank you…thank you.

The Summer Day

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean–
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down–
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

David Whyte

What do you plan to do??

Reviving this blog

Here's my beautiful Dakota, the spirit horse. Nice to be back at this blog - as the 2 year marking of Lila's passing approaches, I was reminded I have not posted in so long.


May 20, how time flies! The older we all get the more each and every month carries with it some particular memory - the tragic and painful as well as the joyful and beloved. May 11 , 1992 was the day I met Alex Lane, a day forever etched into mu mind, I mean I remember small details, I remember it more clearly than many more recent May 11s. May 26, 2008, the day I lost my Bo-dog, surreal and painful and still ever present. This May will go down in history for me anyway, as the May Everything Was Weird - everything meaning frost and snow at one point, then early growth, more frost, blackflies out, blackflies gone - no wait they're here again! and so on.

I also have the worst miserable attack of allergy ever. makes my August bout of hayfever pale in comparison. I've been practically bedridden, and all I can think about is Wasabi mustard, and hot and sour soup.
It's been a really strange month so far. And it's not over yet.

My news is pretty much the same as always - danny is doing great; his little grey muzzle worried me until i learned that his litter-brother Brody has the same, and it is most likely genetic. It's a little bit of dissonance to see him, he's still so very puppy-ish (will be four this August) and so fit and healthy, but the muzzle is grey.

Tina is so happy here it's truly a wonder to behold.

For those who haven't joined ThePossibleCanine and myself over at Facebook, the big animal news this year has been my battle to save Dakota the Wonder Horse, pictured above. It's a long and winding story and one I do not have time to do justice to right this second, but it's not only saved his life, it's re-connected me with one of the great loves of my early years - horses! Dakota has a condition called Equine Recurrent Uveitis, which has rendered him 80% blind. but he's so well adjusted to it, he's so calm and cool, he's happy and loves food and people and life in general. One of my main goals in life is to get us all moved to a small farm somewhere local where I can have him, and a second (sighted) horse nearby, as in right with me. Kota is only a couple of miles down the road but it involves a drive, and leaving Danny in the car (there's loose chickens where I'm boarding Kota) and it's extra cost,although I have to say people have helped me so much.

Now it is 4 pm, I'm adjusting a puppy diet, battling this headache (from the rhinitis) sipping yet another cafe au lait and hoping for an early night. things are good. my herb courses are all going well, but I never have enough time to write. a lot on my plate as always, but better that then nothing to do! Can't even conceive of it.

Here's my beautiful Kota-bub, the spirit horse. Nice to be back at this blog - as the 2 year marking of Lila's passing approaches, I was reminded I have not posted in so long. here's to a good summer, lots of updates, info and interaction.

Words to live by, in this time or any other.

In a time of misfortune I heard Thy voice, saying:
'The sun of My protection shines equally on thy
brightest and thy blackest hours. Have faith and
smile! Sadness is an offense against the blissful
nature of Spirit. Let My life-transforming light appear
through the transparency of smiles. By being happy,
My child, thou doest please Me.

The laughter of the infinite God must vibrate
through your smile. Let the breeze of His love spread
your smiles in the hearts of men. Their fire will be
contagious.

You have the power to hurt yourself or to benefit
yourself...If you do not choose to be happy no one
can make you happy. Do not blame God for that!
And if you choose to be happy, no one can make you
unhappy...It is we who make of life what it is.

A strong determination to be happy will help you.
Do not wait for the circumstances to change, thinking
falsely that in them lies trouble.

Do not make unhappiness a chronic habit, thereby
afflicting yourself and your associates. It is blessedness
for yourself and other if you are happy.

If you possess happiness you possess everything;
to be happy is to be in tune with God. That power to
be happy comes through meditation.

Daily I will seek happiness more and more within
my mind, and less and less through material pleasures.

A long and challenging year

2009 will go down in the annals of my lifestory as probably in the top then of hard years - even though no one died tragically, I was not sick (despite my best efforts to make myself so, I am merely rundown and looking forward to improvement in the New year) and so, it should, technically be a pretty medium kind of year, allthings considered. but, I learned a couple of very hard lessons that have been reappearing with increasing intensity over the past decade - chief of which is how easily I can lose sight of the things that really matter (home, work, dogs, spirit). We all have some kind of angry, aching hole in the centre of our hearts that will reach out and grab at whatever it thinks it wants, like a hungry baby grabbing at candy. I suffered major burnout in the spring - I still have to figure out how to do what I do and earn a living at it - but then summer became a bit of a nightmare, and by September I was an emotional wreck. Looking back, I see I shed some deeply cherished illusions, moved away from neurotic, limiting situations and have emerged with a renewed sense of self, purpose and esteem. but it wasn't easy. and the one being I can thank most of all, for sticking with me and always being truthful and direct, is Danny.

Because dogs never lie about love. We can all learn so much from that one simple fact.

Thank you Daniel. You are my everything. I thank the gods for you every day. I love you with all my heart.

Robin and Chester

I wish my brother could see this. Robin (my niece) is growing into such a beautiful special person. This is her letter to the British Columbia SPCA:


" I am following up from reading BARK magazine-the kindness guide. I looked on
our shampoo bottles for the bunny symbol (which means it's not tested on
animals). I googled the names of all our shampoos. It was very interesting,
but not that simple. For example: burt's bees. We (my mom and I) checked its
label and it said it was not tested on animals; but when we looked on the
Internet we found out that it was bought by Clorox. Clorox says that it does
"employ outside agencies to conduct animal tests...where required by the EPA
and other regulating bodies".

Thank you for helping me to learn about these issues. I really love animals
and want to use products that are not tested on them.

from,
Robin Horner, age 9
kids club member "


I'm so proud of her, just wanted to sharee. People are saying she gets her love of animals from me, but I think it comes all from within her. Her Mom is a great animal lover too and her Dad was one of the brightest people I've ever know, so Robin has a great gene pool, plus a very unique spirit all her own.
I'm so proud of her!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZMV8Pg-iHM



Days of burning sun
Watch the colours run
Into pools that catch the eye
Disappear as you pass by

You're my summer rain
You're my summer rain
And I know that I'll see you again
And I know that I'll see you again

Hear my prayer
Answer my call
Breathe life into my soul
I am waiting for you to show
Come and hold me so

You're my summer rain
You're my summer rain
And I know that I'll see you again
And I know that I'll see you again

Dreams of a day with you
Fading away

You're my summer rain
You're my summer rain
And I know and I know and I know that I'll see you again
And I know and I know and I know that I'll see you again
Summer rain
You're my summer rain
And I know and I know and I know that I'll see you again
And I know and I know and I know that I'll see you again

Dog as Spiritual Guide Part One

There are so many ways in which my canine companions function as spiritual guides that I will need to break it into several posts to try and cover the ideas.

The first one I have in mind was awakened last Sunday when I was listening to my usual CBC show Tapestry, a "weekly exploration of religion, spirituality and the search for meaning". Last week host Mary Hynes had as a guest, one Alan Morinis, a follower of the Jewish path called Mussar, and authour of the book "Everyday Holiness:The Jewish SPiritual path of Mussar". I found him a wonderful speaker and although I am not Jewish, the practises he was describing are identical to those I utilize in my own daily life, in my quest for goodness and self mastery. In particular, he talked about identifying the struggles that continually come up, places within the self where we encounter our own tendency to "evil" - which is understood here not as some anthropomorphic entity, nor as deeply diabolical even, but rather as the smaller more everyday traits we wish we didn't have - anger, vengefulness, pettiness, jealousy and so on. He talked about looking first at the issues that are like a boulder in the road blocking your way, and then once you have made progress with those, you will have to confront some smaller rocks and eventually, gravel in your shoe. But to start with the large, recurring struggles, the aspects and attitudes within YOU that most dearly require work. Start with those and work on them. Work practically, too, not simply in the head. For example if you are stingy, you must perform three acts of generosity a day. You start with your biggest flaws and most of us, unless we are really delusional, pretty much know where those lie.

In the book, Morinis says:

"Every one of us is assigned to master something in our lives. You have already been given your assignment and you have already encountered it, though you may not be aware that what faces you is a curriculum, nor that this is the central task of your life. My purpose in this book is to help you wake up to your personal curriculum and to guide your steps toward mastering it."


I know a lot of modern people balk at terms like "evil" and "holiness". For me, the roots of what I call evil lie in everyday behaviour, in things like deception (including self deception) bullying, ignoring the needs of those around you, selfishness, anger, and so on. While the hurts these actions inflict may seem minor when compared to the truly demonic evil we tend to associate with the term, they are the seeds of our inhumanity toward others,and modern life is filled to the brim with the narcissism that builds and encourages them. my own spiritual path has often been in crisis as I struggle with what I all the "symbol system" - I grant equal validity to all religions, seeing them as maps of the sacred only and have often been drawn to several at a time - but at the heart of my daily work is this exact practise, the awareness of myself, on a deep level, and how my actions affect the wellbeing of others. I have mainly drawn from Buddhism in tihs regard, but that's irrelevant, it was interesting to me to hear this practise, which I have made the heart of my own life, is a best selling book and an online course - why didn't I think of that?!?

All joking aside, it was a nice hour of listening and it focused my mind back on to the First Lesson I obtained from dogs - specifically from Lila; that love is an act of giving, often to the point of sacrifice and in the case of dogs, often under intense ridicule and judgement from others.


Like many people in our world,I grew up feeling worthless and unloved. I began to focus my attention on myself, because for me, survival was the order of the day. When children's needs are not met - physical needs, but more importantly emotional needs - they are always affected, and how that damage will manifest depends of course on the individual child. I took to an intense exploration of my inner world - through formal study in psychology and religion, a fixation on what makes the mind tick, and externally on a desperate quest for approval. In my life this meant always having to have the best grades, always looking great (and I am not naturally pretty, so this took extraordinary effort and energy) and perhaps acquiring the status symbols that would make me acceptable to my middle class family and their friends. Of course, none of this ever worked. I spent many years of my life in pursuit of becoming "lovable" all the while simply appearing to others as self focused, shallow, egocentric.

Internally though my life has been an altogether different story.

And, in 1995 when I took that drive to look at the full moon, and there was this little lost being at the side of the road, everything absolutely changed.

When I was thinking about this earlier, one thing came to mind. I was always able to love, I have loved animals since I was a small child. But growing up, every animal I had was taken from me. My mother could not possibly care for a dog, so the ones my dad brought home lasted three months at best - except the Borzoi, whom my mother saw as a status symbol, and who was also very quiet and unassuming, so we had her for years. My beloved cat whom I had for three years my mother made my father remove from the house. I was never told why or even that Sheba was going; I just woke up one day and she was gone. All these years later I weep as I write this. not only for the animals I loved and were lost to me, but for the terrible, insensible cruelty that would allow a parent to do that to as sensitive, unpopular, bookish little girl whose greatest joy in life was time spent with her various animals.

I learned never to believe in anything and to gather my resources around me and hold them tightly.

And then I found Lila.


Lila taught me that love is all that matters. That when we act from a matrix of love, our self is so small, our physical bodies just vessels. And that's what Christ demands, what God wants of us, what the Buddha taught, what we experience in deep connection with Isis or Gaia,or Sophia, the Holy Mother of Wisdom.

Lila taught me this line from the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the courage to change the things I can.
And boy, did I change things! :)

Selfishness was the huge boulder in my way along the road. Self focus. I understand and forgive myself for being that way; I was MADE to be that way by a cruel and rejection-filled childhood.And I am by no means over it; I still spend three quarters of my time fretting over what to do next and how to establish some security for my future. But that's now not so much selfishness as it is commonsense and practicality. I know how much I have to give and how much courage I can muster if the situation calls for it. Lila was and is a great teacher - a Master teacher - along this journey to wholeness we call life. Through my love for her I saw the power of all love, and the beauty of sacrifice and of giving. I would do it all again for one hour more.

And as a great teacher would, she left me with the next part of the challenge; the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. On this point I have much to do.

But what we love has the power to change our flaws, to provide the impetus to change, to make us aware and put us on the path. If we are quick to anger, we will overcome that. If we are shallow and self focused, we will deepen and expand. And as I am being reminded right this very minute, if we are introverted, obsessive, studious and nerdy, and sit writing at a computer all day when SOMEONE needs a walk, we will - if we're very lucky - find a soft warm muzzle gently nudging our hand off the computer.

It's time to go walking, now. I am far too cerebral and not physical enough, though Lord knows I do try to balance myself. I need to go breathe th fall air and relax and still my mind. I need to be grounded. Although I don't particularly want to work on this aspect of myself - ok, it's like pulling teeth- I know it to be the next boulder in the road ahead - Daniel just said so. Let's GO, Mom!!!

And dogs never lie about love, nor do they hold up a clouded mirror. The Catherine I see post-Lila is an embattled warrior who knows the transcendent power of love and sacrifice. And now must learn the lessons of acceptance and groundedness, light-heartedness and play.

I will get myself ready for the cold fall air and the joyous sight of two Ridgebacks playing in the mist.

Shalom!
Cat

What do you feel?

There's a city, draped in net
Fisherman net
And in the half light, in the half light
It looks like every tower
Is covered in webs
Moving and glistening and rocking
Its babies in rhythm
As the spider of time is climbing
Over the ruins

There were hundreds of people living here
Sails at the windows
And the planes came crashing down
And many a pilot drowned
And the speed boats flying above
Put your hand over the side of the boat
What do you feel?

My mother and her little brown jug
It held her milk
And now it holds our memories
I can hear her singing
“Little brown jug don't I love thee”
“Little brown jug don't I love thee”
Ho ho ho, hee hee hee

I hear her laughing
She is standing in the kitchen
As we come in the back door
See it fall
See it fall
Oh little spider climbing out of a broken jug
And the pieces will lay there a while
In a house draped in net
In a room filled with coral
Sails at the window
Forests of masts
Put your hand over the side of the boat
Put your hand over the side of the boat

And what do you feel?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94HeJ5nwkTc

Reflections on seeing that face

In this tidal wave of events that the past two years has been, sometimes I lose you in the swirling of the maelstrom.
Sometimes, Bo's illness and absence are fresher, my father's - well, everything about dad - bears down on me and other times, I see John's picture with his wife or daughter and I cannot believe I will never see him again. Sometimes you, Great Spirit, get lost in the shuffle.

And then I see your face, those dear brown eyes, and it all comes flooding back-
Oh Luke, at times I am so crushed with missing you and feeling that I let you down, it's a terrible feeling, and not how I want to remember you.





So on days like today, when I come to this blog and the first thing I see is your dear sweet face, turned to look at me with the tenderness and that..searching look, the one that always seemed to say "I love you, you strange woman you"...I can say to once again, as I have for so many years, in so many situation - Thank you, Braveheart. For everything you did for me and all you helped me through, I believe your sacrifice at the end came from somewhere above, somewhere that ultimately was looking out for me and my future, for the larger picture. And oh, but She moves in mysterious ways! I just wanted to tell you, as I always promised you in our too-short time together - I am fine, I am well, it is all getting better.
Luke -you brought me so much joy....and ultimately, so much wisdom.


Till the next time,
love, Mom

Wildewit's African Jabulani, Aug 12 1998, Sept1, 2006

It's always so difficult, so heartrending, so agonizing for me to tlak about Luke these days. I odn't feel badly about that; after all, since he died I have endured one death after another, cuminating in Lila last May, which I have nowhere near dealt with. I thikn the mind just shuts down in the face of all this sorrow. but luke is specail, he's a loss that changed my life. It was tragic, unspeakably cruel, probably karmic, and I had many foreshadowings of it, if one believes in suhc things. I leanred more from that boy than I could start to put inot words here. His death was totally unexpected and came at a time in my lfie where - for possibly the vyer first time - I was becoming independent, I had worked tirelessly to attain good helath, to feel comfortable with myself, to

I Will Wait Forever

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xphC0M8h2I&feature=related

You would have been ten today, my sweetheart

...and my heart breaks for you as much as when you first left.
I miss you, Sir Luke. my Babe, the Beef -you were the man, you were the mountain.
Our time together was so precious,and over so fast.I will always, always love and cherish you, no matter what. My memories of you, like your great heart, remain steady and strong.

If I Loved You Anymore...

I'd probably explode.
Happy Birthday, Heart of my Heart.

Grateful, Wealthy, Blessed

A love poem to my soulmate, based on a Navajo poem. I was inspired to write this yesterday, reading some of Linda Tellington-Jones' writings in bed in the afternoon, listening to the wind, Daniel asleep beside me.
This is paraphrased from a Navajo Horse-poem.


My beautiful dog
slim like a weasel, strong like a horse
four strong agile feet, one white
from dipping in stardust
his chest painted with angels
his tail a flash of lightning
my beautiful friend
my friend has a line down his back like a serpent
the winds of time blow back his ears, his ears of silk and velvet.
and he hears me breathe
he hears me sleep
he knows my dreams and heart.

My dog with coat of copper sunlight
My dog with his elegant head
eagle gaze
my dog with his teeth made of white shell
ancient knowledge in his face
ancient wisdom in his soul.

When my dog barks, flocks of butterflies alight
When my dog sings, every forest being listens.

A long rainbow from his heart to mine
and back again
through it we speak and listen
and guide one another.
A pale gold light encircles us.
In it, all the dogs from days gone by, dance with us.

Because of him, I am wealthy.

Before me peaceful
Behind me peaceful
Over me peaceful
Underneath me, peaceful
All around me peaceful
His nose in my palm, peace is every breath and step.

Not Ready Yet

So, a few days ago this appeared in the Wakefield News, and my heart stuck in my throat to read the words:
" We have just adopted an 8 week old border collie and lab mix pup. She's a treat to train already!! She was the second to go in a litter of 7, so there are 5 cuties left, looking for the right homes. If you are serious and "available" for the commitment, please give Michelle or Rob a call @ .. I encourage a voluntary contribution to cover quality feed and exceptional care offered during their first 2 months. The pups have been given an all 'round excellent start!! Have a great summer.."

Oh - I am so not ready. And just becasue a pup is border collie/Lab doesn't mean she's Lila..I feel like Dan and I have a very precious time here, so much love, closeness and learning, it may be best to leave things as they are. I mean - no one can ever replace a dog who has died anymore than you can a father, sibling, child...but, it's a powereful life affirming move to take another into your heart.

I just don't feel ready. I'm adopting a dove, and two goats, and another rabbit. The dog will show herself when i am ready....for now, I am juts loving being with Danny and moving into tomorrow with hope, trust and joy.

Luke and Lila are everywhere aaround us.

Chester

Oh, Chester. What a dear, wise, wonderful Old Soul you are. I remember the first time I met you, that week I spent in BC, Christmas 2000. I cried when John took me to the airport, because I didn't want to leave you. You were everything I love in a dog, except big, and with all that attitude, heart and intellect, it didn't seem to matter. I had heard - many times - that the Shiba Inu is a big dog in a small dog's body. Often I'd heard that said a little huffily, as one hears about the Jack Russell. But you weren't full of yourself or demanding or in any way obnoxious (not that Jacks are, lol!) You were a little bored, you were full of energy, you hung onto me because unlike your busy Mom and Dad, I had a ton of time to focus just on you. I taught you some new tricks, walked you, and did TTouch on you even though John had said it simply wouldn't be possible. You slept on my bed, as if to offer some combination of gratitude (I went to the T-sol and bought you treats and toys) and also it seemed you knew how much I was missing Luke and Lila. I bet you heard me call home three times a day to make sure my guys were ok, too. You knew a good thing when you saw it, and so did I.

So much for "I'm not a small dog person".

Chester, I'm glad you like the pancreatitis diet. I plan to get some more recipes for you off to your Mom so you can have some variety. I hope I can see you this year, maybe at Christmas - but if you look below you will see something that keeps me from leaving home a lot these days. He's pretty smart and special too, but he's never been a day without his Mom since October 20, 2006, and he was only 10 weeks old then. He needs me a lot, as I do him. But I really hope to see you soon. I know when I look at that beautiful, now older face of yours, the sadness you had to accept and the strength and beauty you embody, too. When your Dad died, and I arrived to stay in what had been his office, more broken and shattered than ever before in my life, you stayed on my bed with me again. You curled up in a little Shiba ball and slept most of the time right beside me, as if you knew that I would be so desparate for a comforting presence. I know you loved him a great deal, and he loved you, believe me. Even when he was at his most sick, and e were all sacred that thinsg wouldn't turn out well, he would say to me from time to time..."I need to gte better...I miss my dog".

He really loved you, as he loved us all.

It breaks my heart to think that you lost him. But, it heals a little when I look at your wonderful face and think of the life you have now. You have the greatest Mom, and you have Robin. And you have Auntie Catherine away across the miles. You've been hurt, and so have we, but in this life we soldier on, because there really is no other choice. Dad is always with us in subtle and powerful ways. I suspect that you, as a dog, understand far more about this than any of my species ever will.

I just wanted to tell you that I think of you often, and with such love. Let's see if we can't get Wayne and Donna to stay with Dan for a few days this Christmas, we'll work up to that -and then you and I can go to the T-Sol.

Now stay out of that garbage can!

Morning Has Broken

Looking at the puppy pics of Danny I have to laugh at the same time I feel a wave of sadness; they are only little like that for such a short time. Ahh, but he was funny. Wide eyed, hyper-busy(Hurricane Daniel) full of love. What a blessing he is. I looked through all my folders of his early pictures and hauled out my favourites. I'll put a few more up later this week. I hope you enjoy them half as much as I do - I hope to give a sense of who danny is, because beyond being a very handsome boy now, he's such a dear loving spirit. It's fun and very healing for me to share him with others.

A few minutes ago I took a breather from typing and went outside to look at the sunrise. It was so lovely, shining through the mist, I had to snap a few pictures. I think these work beautifully with one of my favourite Blessings from John O'Donohue.

Mornings are always, for me, a time of prayer and reflection, renewal and re-creation. The time I spend outside with Daniel helps to deepen my sense of communion with God, nature and with others. Some times, the world outside is so full of wonder as to be overwhelming to me.

Matins

Somewhere out at the edges, the night

Is turning and the waves of darkness

Begin to brighten the shore of dawn

The heavy dark falls back to earth

And the freed air goes wild with light

The heart fills with fresh, bright breath

And thoughts stir to give birth to colour.

I arise today

In the name of Silence

Womb of the Word

In the name of Stillness

Home of Belonging

In the name of the Solitude

Of the Soul and the Earth.

I arise today

Blessed by all things,

Wings of breath,

Delight of eyes,

Wonder of whisper,

Intimacy of touch,

Eternity of soul,

Urgency of thought,

Miracle of health,

Embrace of God.

May I live this day

Compassionate of heart,

Clear in word,

Gracious in awareness,

Courageous in thought,

Generous in love.

Glibby Glop Glooby

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Szd_59l9qkg