Chester

Oh, Chester. What a dear, wise, wonderful Old Soul you are. I remember the first time I met you, that week I spent in BC, Christmas 2000. I cried when John took me to the airport, because I didn't want to leave you. You were everything I love in a dog, except big, and with all that attitude, heart and intellect, it didn't seem to matter. I had heard - many times - that the Shiba Inu is a big dog in a small dog's body. Often I'd heard that said a little huffily, as one hears about the Jack Russell. But you weren't full of yourself or demanding or in any way obnoxious (not that Jacks are, lol!) You were a little bored, you were full of energy, you hung onto me because unlike your busy Mom and Dad, I had a ton of time to focus just on you. I taught you some new tricks, walked you, and did TTouch on you even though John had said it simply wouldn't be possible. You slept on my bed, as if to offer some combination of gratitude (I went to the T-sol and bought you treats and toys) and also it seemed you knew how much I was missing Luke and Lila. I bet you heard me call home three times a day to make sure my guys were ok, too. You knew a good thing when you saw it, and so did I.

So much for "I'm not a small dog person".

Chester, I'm glad you like the pancreatitis diet. I plan to get some more recipes for you off to your Mom so you can have some variety. I hope I can see you this year, maybe at Christmas - but if you look below you will see something that keeps me from leaving home a lot these days. He's pretty smart and special too, but he's never been a day without his Mom since October 20, 2006, and he was only 10 weeks old then. He needs me a lot, as I do him. But I really hope to see you soon. I know when I look at that beautiful, now older face of yours, the sadness you had to accept and the strength and beauty you embody, too. When your Dad died, and I arrived to stay in what had been his office, more broken and shattered than ever before in my life, you stayed on my bed with me again. You curled up in a little Shiba ball and slept most of the time right beside me, as if you knew that I would be so desparate for a comforting presence. I know you loved him a great deal, and he loved you, believe me. Even when he was at his most sick, and e were all sacred that thinsg wouldn't turn out well, he would say to me from time to time..."I need to gte better...I miss my dog".

He really loved you, as he loved us all.

It breaks my heart to think that you lost him. But, it heals a little when I look at your wonderful face and think of the life you have now. You have the greatest Mom, and you have Robin. And you have Auntie Catherine away across the miles. You've been hurt, and so have we, but in this life we soldier on, because there really is no other choice. Dad is always with us in subtle and powerful ways. I suspect that you, as a dog, understand far more about this than any of my species ever will.

I just wanted to tell you that I think of you often, and with such love. Let's see if we can't get Wayne and Donna to stay with Dan for a few days this Christmas, we'll work up to that -and then you and I can go to the T-Sol.

Now stay out of that garbage can!

Morning Has Broken

Looking at the puppy pics of Danny I have to laugh at the same time I feel a wave of sadness; they are only little like that for such a short time. Ahh, but he was funny. Wide eyed, hyper-busy(Hurricane Daniel) full of love. What a blessing he is. I looked through all my folders of his early pictures and hauled out my favourites. I'll put a few more up later this week. I hope you enjoy them half as much as I do - I hope to give a sense of who danny is, because beyond being a very handsome boy now, he's such a dear loving spirit. It's fun and very healing for me to share him with others.

A few minutes ago I took a breather from typing and went outside to look at the sunrise. It was so lovely, shining through the mist, I had to snap a few pictures. I think these work beautifully with one of my favourite Blessings from John O'Donohue.

Mornings are always, for me, a time of prayer and reflection, renewal and re-creation. The time I spend outside with Daniel helps to deepen my sense of communion with God, nature and with others. Some times, the world outside is so full of wonder as to be overwhelming to me.

Matins

Somewhere out at the edges, the night

Is turning and the waves of darkness

Begin to brighten the shore of dawn

The heavy dark falls back to earth

And the freed air goes wild with light

The heart fills with fresh, bright breath

And thoughts stir to give birth to colour.

I arise today

In the name of Silence

Womb of the Word

In the name of Stillness

Home of Belonging

In the name of the Solitude

Of the Soul and the Earth.

I arise today

Blessed by all things,

Wings of breath,

Delight of eyes,

Wonder of whisper,

Intimacy of touch,

Eternity of soul,

Urgency of thought,

Miracle of health,

Embrace of God.

May I live this day

Compassionate of heart,

Clear in word,

Gracious in awareness,

Courageous in thought,

Generous in love.

Glibby Glop Glooby

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Szd_59l9qkg

Here Comes Trouble...

Wait don't run...:)
This kind of trouble is...KEEPING ME GOING!!

I have been thinking about so many of my favourite dogs out there, and their stories, their drama, and their people, but I cannot find the strength to write just yet.

So forgive me if I need to talk about my Danny again, he is just such a source of strength and balance right now, and I want to celebrate his presence in my life. Maybe when I talk about Dan, you who check this blog will feel some resonance with your own four legged wonder. I am just on my knees right now for whatever Providence brought me this dog. Between losing Lila and now my father, I can only say this: my friends are wonderful, and I don't know how I'd do this without them -but God bless them all, they're humans. Daniel just lies beside me in that wordless canine presence, and we live together through it with words issuing only from my side, and even then as sparingly as I can manage. we get up at 6, cuddle, pee, eat, walk...we sit on the sofa and I cry, I tell him I'm sorry I'm crying, he lays his lovely elegant head on my shoulder. I feel better and suggest we sit outside. He's always happy to go. We go out and I put the Nova Scotia blanket on the ground, the one both Luke and Lila died on, and he sits on it, watching the fields. I read, he rests and watches, and the day breathes onwards. I love him, so much.

I wait for my father to die knowing that we will never resolve any of the things we need to, and that I am part of that equation.


You know ..I went to see this litter only 7 weeks after Luke had died. And some people criticized me, as if they had any right. I shouldn't get another dog. I certainly shouldnt' get a purebred (if we who love breeds are supposed to be snobs, you oughtta talk to some mixed breed folk who want all breeds eradicated. I personally validate both the purebred and hybrid dogs. I hate doing battle about this!)
I drove to Toronto knowing I might not connect with a puppy at all, and yet I did. Immediately. Danny (Whitefoot, as they called him back then) ran straight to me as soon as the available males were brought into the room. He sat on my foot and looked at me with his watery, emotive eyes, just as he does to this day. My heart just wrenched with love... you know that feeling?

I was so heart broken about Luke at that time I could barely breathe.And yet here was this new life just offering itself to me, just looking up at me and saying, I know I'm not him...but I LOVE YOU!!!

I have never regretted a moment of it. Even though he was difficult for Bo, even though he is what is euphemistically called a high maintenance puppy. I feel that his innocent enthusiasm for life, his love for me, his underlying great spirit (ok, I think of this as a Rhodesian thing, but thats not to slight other dog) it has all been a gift.

So, today. My father is dying. My father who started me off on this path of love for animals, my father who never understood a word I uttered, who could not be more different from me if we set out to oppose each other: he is dying. And I don't feel I can write a whole lot more than that about it. I guess what I've just wanted to say is that everyone's efforts to help me through this are appreciated. but Dan gives me this...this strength. He makes me ground and center, he shows me the path beyond words.
Does anyone else find that to be true? I lie beside him in the crazy-big bed I bought to accommodate Luke, the Behemoth, and I feel at peace, with all of it. L and L did the same thing for me when they were here in body. I just rest with them, in this peace.

I sit in the yard and meditate and he sits beside me, and all the friggin useless complexity falls away.

Aren't dogs just the best thing ever?

Danny is a bit of an imp. He's "busy", he needs exercise and entertainment and above all, watching. but I never get cross with him. Like L and L before him, I never raise my voice (ok, unless he's running in the direction of trouble and paying me no mind, and even then I just yell TREATS! at the top of my voice - it always works). He's almost like a cross between Lila (impish, funny, connected) and Luke (well dammit all, hes still a Rhodesian, and I have no doubt he'd defend me if the need arose)..and yet, he's his own man.

I am struggling, I'm tired, and I'm in pain. And what sits here like a large slice of grace reminding me why I do what I do, is this dear little dog. (ok ok, so 'little' is a relative term) We are strong together. I know that almost everyone reading this will know exactly what I mean.
Just wanted to say thank you, Dan the Man.

Now let's go breathe. The day is young, the yard is large, what need for worry?

For the Solstice

A Morning Offering

I bless the night that nourished my heart

To set the ghosts of longing free

Into the flow and figure of dream

That went to harvest from the dark

Bread for the hunger no one sees.

All that is eternal in me

Welcome the wonder of this day,

The field of brightness it creates

Offering time for each thing

To arise and illuminate.

I place on the altar of dawn:

The quiet loyalty of breath,

The tent of thought where I shelter,

Wave of desire I am shore to

And all beauty drawn to the eye.

May my mind come alive today

To the invisible geography

That invites me to new frontiers,

To break the dead shell of yesterdays,

To risk being disturbed and changed.

May I have the courage today

To live the life that I would love,

To postpone my dream no longer

But do at last what I came here for

And waste my heart on fear no more.

~ John O'Donohue ~

Grace and Gracie

So, Dan has been a major concern for me since Lila died, part of him just so sad and depressed about losing her and another part - like me - looking for some distraction. And it feels harsh, because here's me, with friends bringing food and wine and merriment, dropping off movies and calling in, emailing funny stuff, and there's Dan valiantly trying to have a good time while Mom and a few friends eat drink cry a bit and then play the Coronation Street game. I mean, he loves everything and everybody, but man - what he *really* wants is another dog to hang with.

There have been frustrations getting one over here for his entertainment and companionship.
But then, let's be grateful! there has also been Gracie. And her presence, though not as often as we'd like, cheers Dan up so much he sleeps incredibly well after a visit, instead of the tossing and turning he's been doing of late.
Gracie is a fabulous little spirit, and I have long appreciated her in her own right, not *just* becasue of the joy she brings my baby, but as a wise, funny and unique little being. Tough, smart, humorous, I guess I can forgive her being SUCH a Daddy's girl. I admit, a couple fo times while she was here and Dan in a testosterone FRENZY, humping in the air and looking past me with glazed eyes and tongue grazing the floor, I felt badly that I'd even asked Donna and Wayne to bring her. but, lately Dan has settled down a lot(knock wood) - not to mention, this little girl can handle herself! So I feel less stressed that he is too much for her. To be fair, Gracie's a bit of a tease, snapping Daniel into line and then, when he backs off, inciting him back to frenzy-land. Well, they seem to have to worked out. They seem to have fun, and the frantic humping has greatly diminished. watching the two of them race around the yard is just too funny for words.

Gracie has brought grace to our humble abode whenever she has visited, and endured the (largely) unwanted advances of a 2 year old Ridgeback with very poor dating skills. She has cheered him up, made me laugh, and lightened the atmosphere every time she's visited. I love the way she requests TTouch from me - sitting with her back toward me and her funny, expressive ears pointing in all directions, seemingly at once - I start to work her back and she almost freezes to the spot, head occasionally turning to consider the effect the circles and lifts are having. I just love Gracie, the Flea McGee. She is the first lurcher I have personally known, and if she's any indication of what lurchers are like, I will hope to know many more in the future.

Thank you, Gracie, for being who you are, and for the special energy you always bring when you visit. Please come more often..

I just had to share

I'm planning on adding photos and stories about my friends' dogs here as the blog develops, but today I had to show off my gorgeous and sweetfaced boy, in a wonderful protrait my good buddy tic took yesterday afternoon. I just love this shot and tic is so talented...it's a hot afternoon aned I am about to have a lie down - been working since 5 am so I need a break. but here's the light of my life. Isn't he beautiful??

People Smile and Tell Me I'm the Lucky One

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ko9nGrGtAY

Daniel.

I had to pop in here and tell you my thoughts. You know about an hour ago, we were outside, and just sitting together under the aspen tree? Well, I got sad, and you knew it, and so I interrupted our little reverie to go write about the Bo. Just a thing I do that helps me get my thoughts sorted out - I know you were loving our time out there and I'm sorry I had to break it up like that. ...but I had to talk to the Bo, and it was all good. So now, I guess I'm ready to go back out there and sit down and hang with you and Jaye, and enjoy the day. But first, I have to tell you how much I love you - cherish you - delight in you - and that I promise on my honour to spend more time with you and less time frittering away my energy on stuff that means so much less.

I know you're hurting, my good little boy. I know you miss her and you're confused and sad. So we can just find that balance between active grief, which I think is so important to honour, and cheering each other up - a thing I must say YOU are far better at than I am.I see a change in you of late and I worry. your bright and exuberant joy in absolutely everything is so much who you are. Let's hang on to that, for Lila, and for us. Let's stay happy that we have each other and - God knows, that we had her too.

This song and picture just make me feel like the Universe is unfolding as it should.

Happy Birthday to me, that you are by my side, my good little man. I love you with everything I have, and we will be okay, I promise.

Sunday

Yesterday was a bit of a debacle. I had been looking forward all week to having a friend come over iwth one of his dogs, I'm stressed about Danny being so down, and I thought a playdate would be great for him. I did some extra cleaning and cooking and kept myself busy until the friend arrived, around 4 - but without a dog. Something had transpired and he wasn't able to bring one - these are not technically his own dogs, but belong to the couple with whom he lodges. Part of his job in that household is care of the dogs and he has frequently brought a dog here for walks or visits in past. Yesterday one of the owners said no. It was hurtful, since Danny so badly needed a visit.he is just a grieving little dog who really just wanted to have a friend visit.

My visitor and I made the best of it by fussing over Dan and playing with him, eating the marinated chicken and vegetables I'd made, and putting back some very cold Sleeman's. we retired to the livingroom for a movie and - damn Quebec Hydro! the power went out. So a disappointing day, but at least I got a lot of stuff done early on. We'll figure out something for Dan, his depression is palpable and I am worried.

This event brings me to something I think about a lot, and find myself struggling with; when people behave badly, as several are doing toward me right now, what's the correct and proper spiritual response? Of course, it's the higher way to try to understand and forgive. But it's the *human* way to process one's own feelings of anger first and foremost. I am thinking of Paul's commentary here:

“Oh, the good that I want to do, I don’t do. And the evil that I don’t want to do, is what I go on doing. Wretched man that I am, who will deliver me from this doomed body? I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. . . .
“So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.”3

So although I am not a Christian per se, I see the universality in these words - I *want* to be forgiving to those who wrong me - how have treated me badly or fail to offer the most basic human decency, such as calling and checking on me when I'm bereaved - I want to forgive and understand but I am not a saint. I am also angry, hurt and bewildered as to why other humans behave like this. In my own spiritual quest, learning to forgive and understand is a key practise, and I draw on both Christian and Buddhist teaching to support this goal.

I also love this wellknown commentary from Native American teachings:

An Elder Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, pride, and superiority. The other wolf stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too."

The children thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win the battle?" And the old Cherokee replied simply "Whichever one I feed".

At times I feel I am more or less in balance, I know I feed the tendency toward anger by thinking about injustice and by talking with close friends about mystifying, nasty human behaviour. I also feed my Higher self a LOT, through prayer, meditation, lectio divina (and I mean daily on all three)and all processes of self understanding that I believe lead ultimately to the understanding for others. I sometimes feel I am expecting myself to be a saint or boddhisattva, never being angered or upset, but then I think, why NOT strive for the best I can be as a human?

How can we bring the same level of care, compassion and understanding to other humans as we do with our dogs? Isn't it because the dogs are so unassuming, honest, sweet and so forgiving that they bring the best out in us? Isn't their behaviour something we can learn from and model ourselves on? I will close this rumination today with the oft quoted line that rings so true for many of us: "I'm just trying to be the person my dogs think I am".

Yes, I'd hope to be half that good oneday.

Menwhile, I need to find danny a playdate!

Meditation on Making Dogfood

And so it's Saturday, and as I have done for over a decade, today I am cooking, for dogs and humans, but most importantly, for dogs.

Today: my famous vegetable stock, marinating chicken breasts for my guests tomorrow, and making bean salad for myself for dinner tonight, and probably lunch tomorrow as well.

Oh - the dogfood, the *real* ritual, the important thing here, is the dogfood. I've been utilizing Saturdays, to make food and treats for my beloved dog-beings, for close to 12 years. It's just so very strange to be making only one kind, one recipe, and my mind wanders back to those days where I had two to make, the one a fairly simple, straightforward recipe, the other endlessly complex in it's frantic balancing act of high-protein for heart, low protein for arthritis, high fat for cancer, non-gluten, good presence of RS...on and on and on...

Now I have only one dog to cook for. And I can't describe how much I wish I had double the work.

I think about my early forays into homefeeding my guys, back when I had the simplistic, albeit well-intentioned notion that "natural is better". Well, "natural" is only half the battle. Unbalanced natural versus well balanced commercial - this is one battle I am very weary of fighting. Now I try to balance the good and pure natural diet with the best of science, in terms of what an individual dog needs. A healthy dog like Dan is one thing, a challenged dog is entirely another - and a dog like Bo, with multiple health issues from early in life, well, that's why I call her my greatest teacher.

Well, I have chicken, liver, lamb, rice and sweet potato to attend to. Although I only have one dog, he's a lot of dog. I used to say one RR was like four "normal" canines. And this one is hungry, and sad.

Although Lila is gone, the traditions started with her carry on. That's what I mean by legacy. The need to learn more, the desire to be better, the strength to act on insight, the humour to know when you're out of your depth.

Today is just shot through with beauty, start to finish.

The Beauty We Love

"Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground"

So if we understand the phrase "kneeling and kissing the ground" as prayer - and further, if we expand the idea of prayer to include our whole lives - our work, what we do - we have a vision of a life motivated and informed by beauty, by that which we love and find most spiritually powerful.

I love this quote from Rumi because it relates to what i do - I make my life's work a form of prayer by focusing on that which I find beautiful; reversing the flow, giving back, as it were, to the beings who give so much to humanity, through their simple but powerful love, devotion and service. Aren't these three things the very crux of life, or at least, of what life should be?

Where do you locate beauty? I find it in the simplicty and purity of heart that dogs bring to life - their imemdicay, openness, lack of duplicity, and struggle to adapt to an insane human world.
The beauty I love is what I do. When I help one dog, I send out a thousand prayers, of gratitude and atonement.