Wait don't run...:)
This kind of trouble is...KEEPING ME GOING!!
I have been thinking about so many of my favourite dogs out there, and their stories, their drama, and their people, but I cannot find the strength to write just yet.
So forgive me if I need to talk about my Danny again, he is just such a source of strength and balance right now, and I want to celebrate his presence in my life. Maybe when I talk about Dan, you who check this blog will feel some resonance with your own four legged wonder. I am just on my knees right now for whatever Providence brought me this dog. Between losing Lila and now my father, I can only say this: my friends are wonderful, and I don't know how I'd do this without them -but God bless them all, they're humans. Daniel just lies beside me in that wordless canine presence, and we live together through it with words issuing only from my side, and even then as sparingly as I can manage. we get up at 6, cuddle, pee, eat, walk...we sit on the sofa and I cry, I tell him I'm sorry I'm crying, he lays his lovely elegant head on my shoulder. I feel better and suggest we sit outside. He's always happy to go. We go out and I put the Nova Scotia blanket on the ground, the one both Luke and Lila died on, and he sits on it, watching the fields. I read, he rests and watches, and the day breathes onwards. I love him, so much.
I wait for my father to die knowing that we will never resolve any of the things we need to, and that I am part of that equation.
You know ..I went to see this litter only 7 weeks after Luke had died. And some people criticized me, as if they had any right. I shouldn't get another dog. I certainly shouldnt' get a purebred (if we who love breeds are supposed to be snobs, you oughtta talk to some mixed breed folk who want all breeds eradicated. I personally validate both the purebred and hybrid dogs. I hate doing battle about this!)
I drove to Toronto knowing I might not connect with a puppy at all, and yet I did. Immediately. Danny (Whitefoot, as they called him back then) ran straight to me as soon as the available males were brought into the room. He sat on my foot and looked at me with his watery, emotive eyes, just as he does to this day. My heart just wrenched with love... you know that feeling?
This kind of trouble is...KEEPING ME GOING!!
I have been thinking about so many of my favourite dogs out there, and their stories, their drama, and their people, but I cannot find the strength to write just yet.
So forgive me if I need to talk about my Danny again, he is just such a source of strength and balance right now, and I want to celebrate his presence in my life. Maybe when I talk about Dan, you who check this blog will feel some resonance with your own four legged wonder. I am just on my knees right now for whatever Providence brought me this dog. Between losing Lila and now my father, I can only say this: my friends are wonderful, and I don't know how I'd do this without them -but God bless them all, they're humans. Daniel just lies beside me in that wordless canine presence, and we live together through it with words issuing only from my side, and even then as sparingly as I can manage. we get up at 6, cuddle, pee, eat, walk...we sit on the sofa and I cry, I tell him I'm sorry I'm crying, he lays his lovely elegant head on my shoulder. I feel better and suggest we sit outside. He's always happy to go. We go out and I put the Nova Scotia blanket on the ground, the one both Luke and Lila died on, and he sits on it, watching the fields. I read, he rests and watches, and the day breathes onwards. I love him, so much.
I wait for my father to die knowing that we will never resolve any of the things we need to, and that I am part of that equation.
You know ..I went to see this litter only 7 weeks after Luke had died. And some people criticized me, as if they had any right. I shouldn't get another dog. I certainly shouldnt' get a purebred (if we who love breeds are supposed to be snobs, you oughtta talk to some mixed breed folk who want all breeds eradicated. I personally validate both the purebred and hybrid dogs. I hate doing battle about this!)
I drove to Toronto knowing I might not connect with a puppy at all, and yet I did. Immediately. Danny (Whitefoot, as they called him back then) ran straight to me as soon as the available males were brought into the room. He sat on my foot and looked at me with his watery, emotive eyes, just as he does to this day. My heart just wrenched with love... you know that feeling?
I was so heart broken about Luke at that time I could barely breathe.And yet here was this new life just offering itself to me, just looking up at me and saying, I know I'm not him...but I LOVE YOU!!!
I have never regretted a moment of it. Even though he was difficult for Bo, even though he is what is euphemistically called a high maintenance puppy. I feel that his innocent enthusiasm for life, his love for me, his underlying great spirit (ok, I think of this as a Rhodesian thing, but thats not to slight other dog) it has all been a gift.
So, today. My father is dying. My father who started me off on this path of love for animals, my father who never understood a word I uttered, who could not be more different from me if we set out to oppose each other: he is dying. And I don't feel I can write a whole lot more than that about it. I guess what I've just wanted to say is that everyone's efforts to help me through this are appreciated. but Dan gives me this...this strength. He makes me ground and center, he shows me the path beyond words.
Does anyone else find that to be true? I lie beside him in the crazy-big bed I bought to accommodate Luke, the Behemoth, and I feel at peace, with all of it. L and L did the same thing for me when they were here in body. I just rest with them, in this peace.
I sit in the yard and meditate and he sits beside me, and all the friggin useless complexity falls away.
Aren't dogs just the best thing ever?
Danny is a bit of an imp. He's "busy", he needs exercise and entertainment and above all, watching. but I never get cross with him. Like L and L before him, I never raise my voice (ok, unless he's running in the direction of trouble and paying me no mind, and even then I just yell TREATS! at the top of my voice - it always works). He's almost like a cross between Lila (impish, funny, connected) and Luke (well dammit all, hes still a Rhodesian, and I have no doubt he'd defend me if the need arose)..and yet, he's his own man.
I am struggling, I'm tired, and I'm in pain. And what sits here like a large slice of grace reminding me why I do what I do, is this dear little dog. (ok ok, so 'little' is a relative term) We are strong together. I know that almost everyone reading this will know exactly what I mean.
Just wanted to say thank you, Dan the Man.
Now let's go breathe. The day is young, the yard is large, what need for worry?
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