http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZMV8Pg-iHM
Days of burning sun
Watch the colours run
Into pools that catch the eye
Disappear as you pass by
You're my summer rain
You're my summer rain
And I know that I'll see you again
And I know that I'll see you again
Hear my prayer
Answer my call
Breathe life into my soul
I am waiting for you to show
Come and hold me so
You're my summer rain
You're my summer rain
And I know that I'll see you again
And I know that I'll see you again
Dreams of a day with you
Fading away
You're my summer rain
You're my summer rain
And I know and I know and I know that I'll see you again
And I know and I know and I know that I'll see you again
Summer rain
You're my summer rain
And I know and I know and I know that I'll see you again
And I know and I know and I know that I'll see you again
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Dog as Spiritual Guide Part One
There are so many ways in which my canine companions function as spiritual guides that I will need to break it into several posts to try and cover the ideas.
The first one I have in mind was awakened last Sunday when I was listening to my usual CBC show Tapestry, a "weekly exploration of religion, spirituality and the search for meaning". Last week host Mary Hynes had as a guest, one Alan Morinis, a follower of the Jewish path called Mussar, and authour of the book "Everyday Holiness:The Jewish SPiritual path of Mussar". I found him a wonderful speaker and although I am not Jewish, the practises he was describing are identical to those I utilize in my own daily life, in my quest for goodness and self mastery. In particular, he talked about identifying the struggles that continually come up, places within the self where we encounter our own tendency to "evil" - which is understood here not as some anthropomorphic entity, nor as deeply diabolical even, but rather as the smaller more everyday traits we wish we didn't have - anger, vengefulness, pettiness, jealousy and so on. He talked about looking first at the issues that are like a boulder in the road blocking your way, and then once you have made progress with those, you will have to confront some smaller rocks and eventually, gravel in your shoe. But to start with the large, recurring struggles, the aspects and attitudes within YOU that most dearly require work. Start with those and work on them. Work practically, too, not simply in the head. For example if you are stingy, you must perform three acts of generosity a day. You start with your biggest flaws and most of us, unless we are really delusional, pretty much know where those lie.
In the book, Morinis says:
"Every one of us is assigned to master something in our lives. You have already been given your assignment and you have already encountered it, though you may not be aware that what faces you is a curriculum, nor that this is the central task of your life. My purpose in this book is to help you wake up to your personal curriculum and to guide your steps toward mastering it."
I know a lot of modern people balk at terms like "evil" and "holiness". For me, the roots of what I call evil lie in everyday behaviour, in things like deception (including self deception) bullying, ignoring the needs of those around you, selfishness, anger, and so on. While the hurts these actions inflict may seem minor when compared to the truly demonic evil we tend to associate with the term, they are the seeds of our inhumanity toward others,and modern life is filled to the brim with the narcissism that builds and encourages them. my own spiritual path has often been in crisis as I struggle with what I all the "symbol system" - I grant equal validity to all religions, seeing them as maps of the sacred only and have often been drawn to several at a time - but at the heart of my daily work is this exact practise, the awareness of myself, on a deep level, and how my actions affect the wellbeing of others. I have mainly drawn from Buddhism in tihs regard, but that's irrelevant, it was interesting to me to hear this practise, which I have made the heart of my own life, is a best selling book and an online course - why didn't I think of that?!?
All joking aside, it was a nice hour of listening and it focused my mind back on to the First Lesson I obtained from dogs - specifically from Lila; that love is an act of giving, often to the point of sacrifice and in the case of dogs, often under intense ridicule and judgement from others.
Like many people in our world,I grew up feeling worthless and unloved. I began to focus my attention on myself, because for me, survival was the order of the day. When children's needs are not met - physical needs, but more importantly emotional needs - they are always affected, and how that damage will manifest depends of course on the individual child. I took to an intense exploration of my inner world - through formal study in psychology and religion, a fixation on what makes the mind tick, and externally on a desperate quest for approval. In my life this meant always having to have the best grades, always looking great (and I am not naturally pretty, so this took extraordinary effort and energy) and perhaps acquiring the status symbols that would make me acceptable to my middle class family and their friends. Of course, none of this ever worked. I spent many years of my life in pursuit of becoming "lovable" all the while simply appearing to others as self focused, shallow, egocentric.
Internally though my life has been an altogether different story.
And, in 1995 when I took that drive to look at the full moon, and there was this little lost being at the side of the road, everything absolutely changed.
When I was thinking about this earlier, one thing came to mind. I was always able to love, I have loved animals since I was a small child. But growing up, every animal I had was taken from me. My mother could not possibly care for a dog, so the ones my dad brought home lasted three months at best - except the Borzoi, whom my mother saw as a status symbol, and who was also very quiet and unassuming, so we had her for years. My beloved cat whom I had for three years my mother made my father remove from the house. I was never told why or even that Sheba was going; I just woke up one day and she was gone. All these years later I weep as I write this. not only for the animals I loved and were lost to me, but for the terrible, insensible cruelty that would allow a parent to do that to as sensitive, unpopular, bookish little girl whose greatest joy in life was time spent with her various animals.
I learned never to believe in anything and to gather my resources around me and hold them tightly.
And then I found Lila.
Lila taught me that love is all that matters. That when we act from a matrix of love, our self is so small, our physical bodies just vessels. And that's what Christ demands, what God wants of us, what the Buddha taught, what we experience in deep connection with Isis or Gaia,or Sophia, the Holy Mother of Wisdom.
Lila taught me this line from the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the courage to change the things I can.
And boy, did I change things! :)
Selfishness was the huge boulder in my way along the road. Self focus. I understand and forgive myself for being that way; I was MADE to be that way by a cruel and rejection-filled childhood.And I am by no means over it; I still spend three quarters of my time fretting over what to do next and how to establish some security for my future. But that's now not so much selfishness as it is commonsense and practicality. I know how much I have to give and how much courage I can muster if the situation calls for it. Lila was and is a great teacher - a Master teacher - along this journey to wholeness we call life. Through my love for her I saw the power of all love, and the beauty of sacrifice and of giving. I would do it all again for one hour more.
And as a great teacher would, she left me with the next part of the challenge; the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. On this point I have much to do.
But what we love has the power to change our flaws, to provide the impetus to change, to make us aware and put us on the path. If we are quick to anger, we will overcome that. If we are shallow and self focused, we will deepen and expand. And as I am being reminded right this very minute, if we are introverted, obsessive, studious and nerdy, and sit writing at a computer all day when SOMEONE needs a walk, we will - if we're very lucky - find a soft warm muzzle gently nudging our hand off the computer.
It's time to go walking, now. I am far too cerebral and not physical enough, though Lord knows I do try to balance myself. I need to go breathe th fall air and relax and still my mind. I need to be grounded. Although I don't particularly want to work on this aspect of myself - ok, it's like pulling teeth- I know it to be the next boulder in the road ahead - Daniel just said so. Let's GO, Mom!!!
And dogs never lie about love, nor do they hold up a clouded mirror. The Catherine I see post-Lila is an embattled warrior who knows the transcendent power of love and sacrifice. And now must learn the lessons of acceptance and groundedness, light-heartedness and play.
I will get myself ready for the cold fall air and the joyous sight of two Ridgebacks playing in the mist.
Shalom!
Cat
The first one I have in mind was awakened last Sunday when I was listening to my usual CBC show Tapestry, a "weekly exploration of religion, spirituality and the search for meaning". Last week host Mary Hynes had as a guest, one Alan Morinis, a follower of the Jewish path called Mussar, and authour of the book "Everyday Holiness:The Jewish SPiritual path of Mussar". I found him a wonderful speaker and although I am not Jewish, the practises he was describing are identical to those I utilize in my own daily life, in my quest for goodness and self mastery. In particular, he talked about identifying the struggles that continually come up, places within the self where we encounter our own tendency to "evil" - which is understood here not as some anthropomorphic entity, nor as deeply diabolical even, but rather as the smaller more everyday traits we wish we didn't have - anger, vengefulness, pettiness, jealousy and so on. He talked about looking first at the issues that are like a boulder in the road blocking your way, and then once you have made progress with those, you will have to confront some smaller rocks and eventually, gravel in your shoe. But to start with the large, recurring struggles, the aspects and attitudes within YOU that most dearly require work. Start with those and work on them. Work practically, too, not simply in the head. For example if you are stingy, you must perform three acts of generosity a day. You start with your biggest flaws and most of us, unless we are really delusional, pretty much know where those lie.
In the book, Morinis says:
"Every one of us is assigned to master something in our lives. You have already been given your assignment and you have already encountered it, though you may not be aware that what faces you is a curriculum, nor that this is the central task of your life. My purpose in this book is to help you wake up to your personal curriculum and to guide your steps toward mastering it."
I know a lot of modern people balk at terms like "evil" and "holiness". For me, the roots of what I call evil lie in everyday behaviour, in things like deception (including self deception) bullying, ignoring the needs of those around you, selfishness, anger, and so on. While the hurts these actions inflict may seem minor when compared to the truly demonic evil we tend to associate with the term, they are the seeds of our inhumanity toward others,and modern life is filled to the brim with the narcissism that builds and encourages them. my own spiritual path has often been in crisis as I struggle with what I all the "symbol system" - I grant equal validity to all religions, seeing them as maps of the sacred only and have often been drawn to several at a time - but at the heart of my daily work is this exact practise, the awareness of myself, on a deep level, and how my actions affect the wellbeing of others. I have mainly drawn from Buddhism in tihs regard, but that's irrelevant, it was interesting to me to hear this practise, which I have made the heart of my own life, is a best selling book and an online course - why didn't I think of that?!?
All joking aside, it was a nice hour of listening and it focused my mind back on to the First Lesson I obtained from dogs - specifically from Lila; that love is an act of giving, often to the point of sacrifice and in the case of dogs, often under intense ridicule and judgement from others.
Like many people in our world,I grew up feeling worthless and unloved. I began to focus my attention on myself, because for me, survival was the order of the day. When children's needs are not met - physical needs, but more importantly emotional needs - they are always affected, and how that damage will manifest depends of course on the individual child. I took to an intense exploration of my inner world - through formal study in psychology and religion, a fixation on what makes the mind tick, and externally on a desperate quest for approval. In my life this meant always having to have the best grades, always looking great (and I am not naturally pretty, so this took extraordinary effort and energy) and perhaps acquiring the status symbols that would make me acceptable to my middle class family and their friends. Of course, none of this ever worked. I spent many years of my life in pursuit of becoming "lovable" all the while simply appearing to others as self focused, shallow, egocentric.
Internally though my life has been an altogether different story.
And, in 1995 when I took that drive to look at the full moon, and there was this little lost being at the side of the road, everything absolutely changed.
When I was thinking about this earlier, one thing came to mind. I was always able to love, I have loved animals since I was a small child. But growing up, every animal I had was taken from me. My mother could not possibly care for a dog, so the ones my dad brought home lasted three months at best - except the Borzoi, whom my mother saw as a status symbol, and who was also very quiet and unassuming, so we had her for years. My beloved cat whom I had for three years my mother made my father remove from the house. I was never told why or even that Sheba was going; I just woke up one day and she was gone. All these years later I weep as I write this. not only for the animals I loved and were lost to me, but for the terrible, insensible cruelty that would allow a parent to do that to as sensitive, unpopular, bookish little girl whose greatest joy in life was time spent with her various animals.
I learned never to believe in anything and to gather my resources around me and hold them tightly.
And then I found Lila.
Lila taught me that love is all that matters. That when we act from a matrix of love, our self is so small, our physical bodies just vessels. And that's what Christ demands, what God wants of us, what the Buddha taught, what we experience in deep connection with Isis or Gaia,or Sophia, the Holy Mother of Wisdom.
Lila taught me this line from the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the courage to change the things I can.
And boy, did I change things! :)
Selfishness was the huge boulder in my way along the road. Self focus. I understand and forgive myself for being that way; I was MADE to be that way by a cruel and rejection-filled childhood.And I am by no means over it; I still spend three quarters of my time fretting over what to do next and how to establish some security for my future. But that's now not so much selfishness as it is commonsense and practicality. I know how much I have to give and how much courage I can muster if the situation calls for it. Lila was and is a great teacher - a Master teacher - along this journey to wholeness we call life. Through my love for her I saw the power of all love, and the beauty of sacrifice and of giving. I would do it all again for one hour more.
And as a great teacher would, she left me with the next part of the challenge; the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. On this point I have much to do.
But what we love has the power to change our flaws, to provide the impetus to change, to make us aware and put us on the path. If we are quick to anger, we will overcome that. If we are shallow and self focused, we will deepen and expand. And as I am being reminded right this very minute, if we are introverted, obsessive, studious and nerdy, and sit writing at a computer all day when SOMEONE needs a walk, we will - if we're very lucky - find a soft warm muzzle gently nudging our hand off the computer.
It's time to go walking, now. I am far too cerebral and not physical enough, though Lord knows I do try to balance myself. I need to go breathe th fall air and relax and still my mind. I need to be grounded. Although I don't particularly want to work on this aspect of myself - ok, it's like pulling teeth- I know it to be the next boulder in the road ahead - Daniel just said so. Let's GO, Mom!!!
And dogs never lie about love, nor do they hold up a clouded mirror. The Catherine I see post-Lila is an embattled warrior who knows the transcendent power of love and sacrifice. And now must learn the lessons of acceptance and groundedness, light-heartedness and play.
I will get myself ready for the cold fall air and the joyous sight of two Ridgebacks playing in the mist.
Shalom!
Cat
Thursday, September 4, 2008
What do you feel?
There's a city, draped in net
Fisherman net
And in the half light, in the half light
It looks like every tower
Is covered in webs
Moving and glistening and rocking
Its babies in rhythm
As the spider of time is climbing
Over the ruins
There were hundreds of people living here
Sails at the windows
And the planes came crashing down
And many a pilot drowned
And the speed boats flying above
Put your hand over the side of the boat
What do you feel?
My mother and her little brown jug
It held her milk
And now it holds our memories
I can hear her singing
“Little brown jug don't I love thee”
“Little brown jug don't I love thee”
Ho ho ho, hee hee hee
I hear her laughing
She is standing in the kitchen
As we come in the back door
See it fall
See it fall
Oh little spider climbing out of a broken jug
And the pieces will lay there a while
In a house draped in net
In a room filled with coral
Sails at the window
Forests of masts
Put your hand over the side of the boat
Put your hand over the side of the boat
And what do you feel?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94HeJ5nwkTc
Friday, August 22, 2008
Reflections on seeing that face
In this tidal wave of events that the past two years has been, sometimes I lose you in the swirling of the maelstrom.
Sometimes, Bo's illness and absence are fresher, my father's - well, everything about dad - bears down on me and other times, I see John's picture with his wife or daughter and I cannot believe I will never see him again. Sometimes you, Great Spirit, get lost in the shuffle.
And then I see your face, those dear brown eyes, and it all comes flooding back-
Oh Luke, at times I am so crushed with missing you and feeling that I let you down, it's a terrible feeling, and not how I want to remember you.
So on days like today, when I come to this blog and the first thing I see is your dear sweet face, turned to look at me with the tenderness and that..searching look, the one that always seemed to say "I love you, you strange woman you"...I can say to once again, as I have for so many years, in so many situation - Thank you, Braveheart. For everything you did for me and all you helped me through, I believe your sacrifice at the end came from somewhere above, somewhere that ultimately was looking out for me and my future, for the larger picture. And oh, but She moves in mysterious ways! I just wanted to tell you, as I always promised you in our too-short time together - I am fine, I am well, it is all getting better.
Luke -you brought me so much joy....and ultimately, so much wisdom.
Till the next time,
love, Mom
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Wildewit's African Jabulani, Aug 12 1998, Sept1, 2006
It's always so difficult, so heartrending, so agonizing for me to tlak about Luke these days. I odn't feel badly about that; after all, since he died I have endured one death after another, cuminating in Lila last May, which I have nowhere near dealt with. I thikn the mind just shuts down in the face of all this sorrow. but luke is specail, he's a loss that changed my life. It was tragic, unspeakably cruel, probably karmic, and I had many foreshadowings of it, if one believes in suhc things. I leanred more from that boy than I could start to put inot words here. His death was totally unexpected and came at a time in my lfie where - for possibly the vyer first time - I was becoming independent, I had worked tirelessly to attain good helath, to feel comfortable with myself, to
You would have been ten today, my sweetheart
...and my heart breaks for you as much as when you first left.
I miss you, Sir Luke. my Babe, the Beef -you were the man, you were the mountain.
Our time together was so precious,and over so fast.I will always, always love and cherish you, no matter what. My memories of you, like your great heart, remain steady and strong.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Grateful, Wealthy, Blessed
A love poem to my soulmate, based on a Navajo poem. I was inspired to write this yesterday, reading some of Linda Tellington-Jones' writings in bed in the afternoon, listening to the wind, Daniel asleep beside me.
This is paraphrased from a Navajo Horse-poem.
My beautiful dog
slim like a weasel, strong like a horse
four strong agile feet, one white
from dipping in stardust
his chest painted with angels
his tail a flash of lightning
my beautiful friend
my friend has a line down his back like a serpent
the winds of time blow back his ears, his ears of silk and velvet.
and he hears me breathe
he hears me sleep
he knows my dreams and heart.
My dog with coat of copper sunlight
My dog with his elegant head
eagle gaze
my dog with his teeth made of white shell
ancient knowledge in his face
ancient wisdom in his soul.
When my dog barks, flocks of butterflies alight
When my dog sings, every forest being listens.
A long rainbow from his heart to mine
and back again
through it we speak and listen
and guide one another.
A pale gold light encircles us.
In it, all the dogs from days gone by, dance with us.
Because of him, I am wealthy.
Before me peaceful
Behind me peaceful
Over me peaceful
Underneath me, peaceful
All around me peaceful
His nose in my palm, peace is every breath and step.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Not Ready Yet
So, a few days ago this appeared in the Wakefield News, and my heart stuck in my throat to read the words:
" We have just adopted an 8 week old border collie and lab mix pup. She's a treat to train already!! She was the second to go in a litter of 7, so there are 5 cuties left, looking for the right homes. If you are serious and "available" for the commitment, please give Michelle or Rob a call @ .. I encourage a voluntary contribution to cover quality feed and exceptional care offered during their first 2 months. The pups have been given an all 'round excellent start!! Have a great summer.."
Oh - I am so not ready. And just becasue a pup is border collie/Lab doesn't mean she's Lila..I feel like Dan and I have a very precious time here, so much love, closeness and learning, it may be best to leave things as they are. I mean - no one can ever replace a dog who has died anymore than you can a father, sibling, child...but, it's a powereful life affirming move to take another into your heart.
I just don't feel ready. I'm adopting a dove, and two goats, and another rabbit. The dog will show herself when i am ready....for now, I am juts loving being with Danny and moving into tomorrow with hope, trust and joy.
Luke and Lila are everywhere aaround us.
" We have just adopted an 8 week old border collie and lab mix pup. She's a treat to train already!! She was the second to go in a litter of 7, so there are 5 cuties left, looking for the right homes. If you are serious and "available" for the commitment, please give Michelle or Rob a call @ .. I encourage a voluntary contribution to cover quality feed and exceptional care offered during their first 2 months. The pups have been given an all 'round excellent start!! Have a great summer.."
Oh - I am so not ready. And just becasue a pup is border collie/Lab doesn't mean she's Lila..I feel like Dan and I have a very precious time here, so much love, closeness and learning, it may be best to leave things as they are. I mean - no one can ever replace a dog who has died anymore than you can a father, sibling, child...but, it's a powereful life affirming move to take another into your heart.
I just don't feel ready. I'm adopting a dove, and two goats, and another rabbit. The dog will show herself when i am ready....for now, I am juts loving being with Danny and moving into tomorrow with hope, trust and joy.
Luke and Lila are everywhere aaround us.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Chester
Oh, Chester. What a dear, wise, wonderful Old Soul you are. I remember the first time I met you, that week I spent in BC, Christmas 2000. I cried when John took me to the airport, because I didn't want to leave you. You were everything I love in a dog, except big, and with all that attitude, heart and intellect, it didn't seem to matter. I had heard - many times - that the Shiba Inu is a big dog in a small dog's body. Often I'd heard that said a little huffily, as one hears about the Jack Russell. But you weren't full of yourself or demanding or in any way obnoxious (not that Jacks are, lol!) You were a little bored, you were full of energy, you hung onto me because unlike your busy Mom and Dad, I had a ton of time to focus just on you. I taught you some new tricks, walked you, and did TTouch on you even though John had said it simply wouldn't be possible. You slept on my bed, as if to offer some combination of gratitude (I went to the T-sol and bought you treats and toys) and also it seemed you knew how much I was missing Luke and Lila. I bet you heard me call home three times a day to make sure my guys were ok, too. You knew a good thing when you saw it, and so did I.
So much for "I'm not a small dog person".
Chester, I'm glad you like the pancreatitis diet. I plan to get some more recipes for you off to your Mom so you can have some variety. I hope I can see you this year, maybe at Christmas - but if you look below you will see something that keeps me from leaving home a lot these days. He's pretty smart and special too, but he's never been a day without his Mom since October 20, 2006, and he was only 10 weeks old then. He needs me a lot, as I do him. But I really hope to see you soon. I know when I look at that beautiful, now older face of yours, the sadness you had to accept and the strength and beauty you embody, too. When your Dad died, and I arrived to stay in what had been his office, more broken and shattered than ever before in my life, you stayed on my bed with me again. You curled up in a little Shiba ball and slept most of the time right beside me, as if you knew that I would be so desparate for a comforting presence. I know you loved him a great deal, and he loved you, believe me. Even when he was at his most sick, and e were all sacred that thinsg wouldn't turn out well, he would say to me from time to time..."I need to gte better...I miss my dog".
He really loved you, as he loved us all.
It breaks my heart to think that you lost him. But, it heals a little when I look at your wonderful face and think of the life you have now. You have the greatest Mom, and you have Robin. And you have Auntie Catherine away across the miles. You've been hurt, and so have we, but in this life we soldier on, because there really is no other choice. Dad is always with us in subtle and powerful ways. I suspect that you, as a dog, understand far more about this than any of my species ever will.
I just wanted to tell you that I think of you often, and with such love. Let's see if we can't get Wayne and Donna to stay with Dan for a few days this Christmas, we'll work up to that -and then you and I can go to the T-Sol.
Now stay out of that garbage can!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Morning Has Broken
Looking at the puppy pics of Danny I have to laugh at the same time I feel a wave of sadness; they are only little like that for such a short time. Ahh, but he was funny. Wide eyed, hyper-busy(Hurricane Daniel) full of love. What a blessing he is. I looked through all my folders of his early pictures and hauled out my favourites. I'll put a few more up later this week. I hope you enjoy them half as much as I do - I hope to give a sense of who danny is, because beyond being a very handsome boy now, he's such a dear loving spirit. It's fun and very healing for me to share him with others.
A few minutes ago I took a breather from typing and went outside to look at the sunrise. It was so lovely, shining through the mist, I had to snap a few pictures. I think these work beautifully with one of my favourite Blessings from John O'Donohue.
Mornings are always, for me, a time of prayer and reflection, renewal and re-creation. The time I spend outside with Daniel helps to deepen my sense of communion with God, nature and with others. Some times, the world outside is so full of wonder as to be overwhelming to me.
Matins
Somewhere out at the edges, the night
Is turning and the waves of darkness
Begin to brighten the shore of dawn
The heavy dark falls back to earth
And the freed air goes wild with light
The heart fills with fresh, bright breath
And thoughts stir to give birth to colour.
I arise today
In the name of Silence
Womb of the Word
In the name of Stillness
Home of Belonging
In the name of the Solitude
Of the Soul and the Earth.
I arise today
Blessed by all things,
Wings of breath,
Delight of eyes,
Wonder of whisper,
Intimacy of touch,
Eternity of soul,
Urgency of thought,
Miracle of health,
Embrace of God.
May I live this day
Compassionate of heart,
Clear in word,
Gracious in awareness,
Courageous in thought,
Generous in love.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Here Comes Trouble...
Wait don't run...:)
This kind of trouble is...KEEPING ME GOING!!
I have been thinking about so many of my favourite dogs out there, and their stories, their drama, and their people, but I cannot find the strength to write just yet.
So forgive me if I need to talk about my Danny again, he is just such a source of strength and balance right now, and I want to celebrate his presence in my life. Maybe when I talk about Dan, you who check this blog will feel some resonance with your own four legged wonder. I am just on my knees right now for whatever Providence brought me this dog. Between losing Lila and now my father, I can only say this: my friends are wonderful, and I don't know how I'd do this without them -but God bless them all, they're humans. Daniel just lies beside me in that wordless canine presence, and we live together through it with words issuing only from my side, and even then as sparingly as I can manage. we get up at 6, cuddle, pee, eat, walk...we sit on the sofa and I cry, I tell him I'm sorry I'm crying, he lays his lovely elegant head on my shoulder. I feel better and suggest we sit outside. He's always happy to go. We go out and I put the Nova Scotia blanket on the ground, the one both Luke and Lila died on, and he sits on it, watching the fields. I read, he rests and watches, and the day breathes onwards. I love him, so much.
I wait for my father to die knowing that we will never resolve any of the things we need to, and that I am part of that equation.
You know ..I went to see this litter only 7 weeks after Luke had died. And some people criticized me, as if they had any right. I shouldn't get another dog. I certainly shouldnt' get a purebred (if we who love breeds are supposed to be snobs, you oughtta talk to some mixed breed folk who want all breeds eradicated. I personally validate both the purebred and hybrid dogs. I hate doing battle about this!)
I drove to Toronto knowing I might not connect with a puppy at all, and yet I did. Immediately. Danny (Whitefoot, as they called him back then) ran straight to me as soon as the available males were brought into the room. He sat on my foot and looked at me with his watery, emotive eyes, just as he does to this day. My heart just wrenched with love... you know that feeling?
This kind of trouble is...KEEPING ME GOING!!
I have been thinking about so many of my favourite dogs out there, and their stories, their drama, and their people, but I cannot find the strength to write just yet.
So forgive me if I need to talk about my Danny again, he is just such a source of strength and balance right now, and I want to celebrate his presence in my life. Maybe when I talk about Dan, you who check this blog will feel some resonance with your own four legged wonder. I am just on my knees right now for whatever Providence brought me this dog. Between losing Lila and now my father, I can only say this: my friends are wonderful, and I don't know how I'd do this without them -but God bless them all, they're humans. Daniel just lies beside me in that wordless canine presence, and we live together through it with words issuing only from my side, and even then as sparingly as I can manage. we get up at 6, cuddle, pee, eat, walk...we sit on the sofa and I cry, I tell him I'm sorry I'm crying, he lays his lovely elegant head on my shoulder. I feel better and suggest we sit outside. He's always happy to go. We go out and I put the Nova Scotia blanket on the ground, the one both Luke and Lila died on, and he sits on it, watching the fields. I read, he rests and watches, and the day breathes onwards. I love him, so much.
I wait for my father to die knowing that we will never resolve any of the things we need to, and that I am part of that equation.
You know ..I went to see this litter only 7 weeks after Luke had died. And some people criticized me, as if they had any right. I shouldn't get another dog. I certainly shouldnt' get a purebred (if we who love breeds are supposed to be snobs, you oughtta talk to some mixed breed folk who want all breeds eradicated. I personally validate both the purebred and hybrid dogs. I hate doing battle about this!)
I drove to Toronto knowing I might not connect with a puppy at all, and yet I did. Immediately. Danny (Whitefoot, as they called him back then) ran straight to me as soon as the available males were brought into the room. He sat on my foot and looked at me with his watery, emotive eyes, just as he does to this day. My heart just wrenched with love... you know that feeling?
I was so heart broken about Luke at that time I could barely breathe.And yet here was this new life just offering itself to me, just looking up at me and saying, I know I'm not him...but I LOVE YOU!!!
I have never regretted a moment of it. Even though he was difficult for Bo, even though he is what is euphemistically called a high maintenance puppy. I feel that his innocent enthusiasm for life, his love for me, his underlying great spirit (ok, I think of this as a Rhodesian thing, but thats not to slight other dog) it has all been a gift.
So, today. My father is dying. My father who started me off on this path of love for animals, my father who never understood a word I uttered, who could not be more different from me if we set out to oppose each other: he is dying. And I don't feel I can write a whole lot more than that about it. I guess what I've just wanted to say is that everyone's efforts to help me through this are appreciated. but Dan gives me this...this strength. He makes me ground and center, he shows me the path beyond words.
Does anyone else find that to be true? I lie beside him in the crazy-big bed I bought to accommodate Luke, the Behemoth, and I feel at peace, with all of it. L and L did the same thing for me when they were here in body. I just rest with them, in this peace.
I sit in the yard and meditate and he sits beside me, and all the friggin useless complexity falls away.
Aren't dogs just the best thing ever?
Danny is a bit of an imp. He's "busy", he needs exercise and entertainment and above all, watching. but I never get cross with him. Like L and L before him, I never raise my voice (ok, unless he's running in the direction of trouble and paying me no mind, and even then I just yell TREATS! at the top of my voice - it always works). He's almost like a cross between Lila (impish, funny, connected) and Luke (well dammit all, hes still a Rhodesian, and I have no doubt he'd defend me if the need arose)..and yet, he's his own man.
I am struggling, I'm tired, and I'm in pain. And what sits here like a large slice of grace reminding me why I do what I do, is this dear little dog. (ok ok, so 'little' is a relative term) We are strong together. I know that almost everyone reading this will know exactly what I mean.
Just wanted to say thank you, Dan the Man.
Now let's go breathe. The day is young, the yard is large, what need for worry?
Saturday, June 21, 2008
For the Solstice
A Morning Offering
I bless the night that nourished my heart
I bless the night that nourished my heart
To set the ghosts of longing free
Into the flow and figure of dream
That went to harvest from the dark
Bread for the hunger no one sees.
All that is eternal in me
All that is eternal in me
Welcome the wonder of this day,
The field of brightness it creates
Offering time for each thing
To arise and illuminate.
I place on the altar of dawn:
I place on the altar of dawn:
The quiet loyalty of breath,
The tent of thought where I shelter,
Wave of desire I am shore to
And all beauty drawn to the eye.
May my mind come alive today
May my mind come alive today
To the invisible geography
That invites me to new frontiers,
To break the dead shell of yesterdays,
To risk being disturbed and changed.
May I have the courage today
May I have the courage today
To live the life that I would love,
To postpone my dream no longer
But do at last what I came here for
And waste my heart on fear no more.
~ John O'Donohue ~
~ John O'Donohue ~
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Grace and Gracie
So, Dan has been a major concern for me since Lila died, part of him just so sad and depressed about losing her and another part - like me - looking for some distraction. And it feels harsh, because here's me, with friends bringing food and wine and merriment, dropping off movies and calling in, emailing funny stuff, and there's Dan valiantly trying to have a good time while Mom and a few friends eat drink cry a bit and then play the Coronation Street game. I mean, he loves everything and everybody, but man - what he *really* wants is another dog to hang with.
There have been frustrations getting one over here for his entertainment and companionship.
But then, let's be grateful! there has also been Gracie. And her presence, though not as often as we'd like, cheers Dan up so much he sleeps incredibly well after a visit, instead of the tossing and turning he's been doing of late.
Gracie is a fabulous little spirit, and I have long appreciated her in her own right, not *just* becasue of the joy she brings my baby, but as a wise, funny and unique little being. Tough, smart, humorous, I guess I can forgive her being SUCH a Daddy's girl. I admit, a couple fo times while she was here and Dan in a testosterone FRENZY, humping in the air and looking past me with glazed eyes and tongue grazing the floor, I felt badly that I'd even asked Donna and Wayne to bring her. but, lately Dan has settled down a lot(knock wood) - not to mention, this little girl can handle herself! So I feel less stressed that he is too much for her. To be fair, Gracie's a bit of a tease, snapping Daniel into line and then, when he backs off, inciting him back to frenzy-land. Well, they seem to have to worked out. They seem to have fun, and the frantic humping has greatly diminished. watching the two of them race around the yard is just too funny for words.
Gracie has brought grace to our humble abode whenever she has visited, and endured the (largely) unwanted advances of a 2 year old Ridgeback with very poor dating skills. She has cheered him up, made me laugh, and lightened the atmosphere every time she's visited. I love the way she requests TTouch from me - sitting with her back toward me and her funny, expressive ears pointing in all directions, seemingly at once - I start to work her back and she almost freezes to the spot, head occasionally turning to consider the effect the circles and lifts are having. I just love Gracie, the Flea McGee. She is the first lurcher I have personally known, and if she's any indication of what lurchers are like, I will hope to know many more in the future.
Thank you, Gracie, for being who you are, and for the special energy you always bring when you visit. Please come more often..
There have been frustrations getting one over here for his entertainment and companionship.
But then, let's be grateful! there has also been Gracie. And her presence, though not as often as we'd like, cheers Dan up so much he sleeps incredibly well after a visit, instead of the tossing and turning he's been doing of late.
Gracie is a fabulous little spirit, and I have long appreciated her in her own right, not *just* becasue of the joy she brings my baby, but as a wise, funny and unique little being. Tough, smart, humorous, I guess I can forgive her being SUCH a Daddy's girl. I admit, a couple fo times while she was here and Dan in a testosterone FRENZY, humping in the air and looking past me with glazed eyes and tongue grazing the floor, I felt badly that I'd even asked Donna and Wayne to bring her. but, lately Dan has settled down a lot(knock wood) - not to mention, this little girl can handle herself! So I feel less stressed that he is too much for her. To be fair, Gracie's a bit of a tease, snapping Daniel into line and then, when he backs off, inciting him back to frenzy-land. Well, they seem to have to worked out. They seem to have fun, and the frantic humping has greatly diminished. watching the two of them race around the yard is just too funny for words.
Gracie has brought grace to our humble abode whenever she has visited, and endured the (largely) unwanted advances of a 2 year old Ridgeback with very poor dating skills. She has cheered him up, made me laugh, and lightened the atmosphere every time she's visited. I love the way she requests TTouch from me - sitting with her back toward me and her funny, expressive ears pointing in all directions, seemingly at once - I start to work her back and she almost freezes to the spot, head occasionally turning to consider the effect the circles and lifts are having. I just love Gracie, the Flea McGee. She is the first lurcher I have personally known, and if she's any indication of what lurchers are like, I will hope to know many more in the future.
Thank you, Gracie, for being who you are, and for the special energy you always bring when you visit. Please come more often..
Saturday, June 14, 2008
I just had to share
I'm planning on adding photos and stories about my friends' dogs here as the blog develops, but today I had to show off my gorgeous and sweetfaced boy, in a wonderful protrait my good buddy tic took yesterday afternoon. I just love this shot and tic is so talented...it's a hot afternoon aned I am about to have a lie down - been working since 5 am so I need a break. but here's the light of my life. Isn't he beautiful??
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
People Smile and Tell Me I'm the Lucky One
Daniel.
I had to pop in here and tell you my thoughts. You know about an hour ago, we were outside, and just sitting together under the aspen tree? Well, I got sad, and you knew it, and so I interrupted our little reverie to go write about the Bo. Just a thing I do that helps me get my thoughts sorted out - I know you were loving our time out there and I'm sorry I had to break it up like that. ...but I had to talk to the Bo, and it was all good. So now, I guess I'm ready to go back out there and sit down and hang with you and Jaye, and enjoy the day. But first, I have to tell you how much I love you - cherish you - delight in you - and that I promise on my honour to spend more time with you and less time frittering away my energy on stuff that means so much less.
I know you're hurting, my good little boy. I know you miss her and you're confused and sad. So we can just find that balance between active grief, which I think is so important to honour, and cheering each other up - a thing I must say YOU are far better at than I am.I see a change in you of late and I worry. your bright and exuberant joy in absolutely everything is so much who you are. Let's hang on to that, for Lila, and for us. Let's stay happy that we have each other and - God knows, that we had her too.
This song and picture just make me feel like the Universe is unfolding as it should.
Happy Birthday to me, that you are by my side, my good little man. I love you with everything I have, and we will be okay, I promise.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Sunday
Yesterday was a bit of a debacle. I had been looking forward all week to having a friend come over iwth one of his dogs, I'm stressed about Danny being so down, and I thought a playdate would be great for him. I did some extra cleaning and cooking and kept myself busy until the friend arrived, around 4 - but without a dog. Something had transpired and he wasn't able to bring one - these are not technically his own dogs, but belong to the couple with whom he lodges. Part of his job in that household is care of the dogs and he has frequently brought a dog here for walks or visits in past. Yesterday one of the owners said no. It was hurtful, since Danny so badly needed a visit.he is just a grieving little dog who really just wanted to have a friend visit.
My visitor and I made the best of it by fussing over Dan and playing with him, eating the marinated chicken and vegetables I'd made, and putting back some very cold Sleeman's. we retired to the livingroom for a movie and - damn Quebec Hydro! the power went out. So a disappointing day, but at least I got a lot of stuff done early on. We'll figure out something for Dan, his depression is palpable and I am worried.
This event brings me to something I think about a lot, and find myself struggling with; when people behave badly, as several are doing toward me right now, what's the correct and proper spiritual response? Of course, it's the higher way to try to understand and forgive. But it's the *human* way to process one's own feelings of anger first and foremost. I am thinking of Paul's commentary here:
“Oh, the good that I want to do, I don’t do. And the evil that I don’t want to do, is what I go on doing. Wretched man that I am, who will deliver me from this doomed body? I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. . . .
“So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.”3
“So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.”3
So although I am not a Christian per se, I see the universality in these words - I *want* to be forgiving to those who wrong me - how have treated me badly or fail to offer the most basic human decency, such as calling and checking on me when I'm bereaved - I want to forgive and understand but I am not a saint. I am also angry, hurt and bewildered as to why other humans behave like this. In my own spiritual quest, learning to forgive and understand is a key practise, and I draw on both Christian and Buddhist teaching to support this goal.
I also love this wellknown commentary from Native American teachings:
An Elder Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, pride, and superiority. The other wolf stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too."
The children thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win the battle?" And the old Cherokee replied simply "Whichever one I feed".
At times I feel I am more or less in balance, I know I feed the tendency toward anger by thinking about injustice and by talking with close friends about mystifying, nasty human behaviour. I also feed my Higher self a LOT, through prayer, meditation, lectio divina (and I mean daily on all three)and all processes of self understanding that I believe lead ultimately to the understanding for others. I sometimes feel I am expecting myself to be a saint or boddhisattva, never being angered or upset, but then I think, why NOT strive for the best I can be as a human?
How can we bring the same level of care, compassion and understanding to other humans as we do with our dogs? Isn't it because the dogs are so unassuming, honest, sweet and so forgiving that they bring the best out in us? Isn't their behaviour something we can learn from and model ourselves on? I will close this rumination today with the oft quoted line that rings so true for many of us: "I'm just trying to be the person my dogs think I am".
Yes, I'd hope to be half that good oneday.
Menwhile, I need to find danny a playdate!
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Meditation on Making Dogfood
And so it's Saturday, and as I have done for over a decade, today I am cooking, for dogs and humans, but most importantly, for dogs.
Today: my famous vegetable stock, marinating chicken breasts for my guests tomorrow, and making bean salad for myself for dinner tonight, and probably lunch tomorrow as well.
Oh - the dogfood, the *real* ritual, the important thing here, is the dogfood. I've been utilizing Saturdays, to make food and treats for my beloved dog-beings, for close to 12 years. It's just so very strange to be making only one kind, one recipe, and my mind wanders back to those days where I had two to make, the one a fairly simple, straightforward recipe, the other endlessly complex in it's frantic balancing act of high-protein for heart, low protein for arthritis, high fat for cancer, non-gluten, good presence of RS...on and on and on...
Now I have only one dog to cook for. And I can't describe how much I wish I had double the work.
I think about my early forays into homefeeding my guys, back when I had the simplistic, albeit well-intentioned notion that "natural is better". Well, "natural" is only half the battle. Unbalanced natural versus well balanced commercial - this is one battle I am very weary of fighting. Now I try to balance the good and pure natural diet with the best of science, in terms of what an individual dog needs. A healthy dog like Dan is one thing, a challenged dog is entirely another - and a dog like Bo, with multiple health issues from early in life, well, that's why I call her my greatest teacher.
Well, I have chicken, liver, lamb, rice and sweet potato to attend to. Although I only have one dog, he's a lot of dog. I used to say one RR was like four "normal" canines. And this one is hungry, and sad.
Although Lila is gone, the traditions started with her carry on. That's what I mean by legacy. The need to learn more, the desire to be better, the strength to act on insight, the humour to know when you're out of your depth.
Today is just shot through with beauty, start to finish.
Today: my famous vegetable stock, marinating chicken breasts for my guests tomorrow, and making bean salad for myself for dinner tonight, and probably lunch tomorrow as well.
Oh - the dogfood, the *real* ritual, the important thing here, is the dogfood. I've been utilizing Saturdays, to make food and treats for my beloved dog-beings, for close to 12 years. It's just so very strange to be making only one kind, one recipe, and my mind wanders back to those days where I had two to make, the one a fairly simple, straightforward recipe, the other endlessly complex in it's frantic balancing act of high-protein for heart, low protein for arthritis, high fat for cancer, non-gluten, good presence of RS...on and on and on...
Now I have only one dog to cook for. And I can't describe how much I wish I had double the work.
I think about my early forays into homefeeding my guys, back when I had the simplistic, albeit well-intentioned notion that "natural is better". Well, "natural" is only half the battle. Unbalanced natural versus well balanced commercial - this is one battle I am very weary of fighting. Now I try to balance the good and pure natural diet with the best of science, in terms of what an individual dog needs. A healthy dog like Dan is one thing, a challenged dog is entirely another - and a dog like Bo, with multiple health issues from early in life, well, that's why I call her my greatest teacher.
Well, I have chicken, liver, lamb, rice and sweet potato to attend to. Although I only have one dog, he's a lot of dog. I used to say one RR was like four "normal" canines. And this one is hungry, and sad.
Although Lila is gone, the traditions started with her carry on. That's what I mean by legacy. The need to learn more, the desire to be better, the strength to act on insight, the humour to know when you're out of your depth.
Today is just shot through with beauty, start to finish.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
The Beauty We Love
"Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground"
So if we understand the phrase "kneeling and kissing the ground" as prayer - and further, if we expand the idea of prayer to include our whole lives - our work, what we do - we have a vision of a life motivated and informed by beauty, by that which we love and find most spiritually powerful.
I love this quote from Rumi because it relates to what i do - I make my life's work a form of prayer by focusing on that which I find beautiful; reversing the flow, giving back, as it were, to the beings who give so much to humanity, through their simple but powerful love, devotion and service. Aren't these three things the very crux of life, or at least, of what life should be?
Where do you locate beauty? I find it in the simplicty and purity of heart that dogs bring to life - their imemdicay, openness, lack of duplicity, and struggle to adapt to an insane human world.
The beauty I love is what I do. When I help one dog, I send out a thousand prayers, of gratitude and atonement.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground"
So if we understand the phrase "kneeling and kissing the ground" as prayer - and further, if we expand the idea of prayer to include our whole lives - our work, what we do - we have a vision of a life motivated and informed by beauty, by that which we love and find most spiritually powerful.
I love this quote from Rumi because it relates to what i do - I make my life's work a form of prayer by focusing on that which I find beautiful; reversing the flow, giving back, as it were, to the beings who give so much to humanity, through their simple but powerful love, devotion and service. Aren't these three things the very crux of life, or at least, of what life should be?
Where do you locate beauty? I find it in the simplicty and purity of heart that dogs bring to life - their imemdicay, openness, lack of duplicity, and struggle to adapt to an insane human world.
The beauty I love is what I do. When I help one dog, I send out a thousand prayers, of gratitude and atonement.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Beauty is the Illumination of the Soul
" Beauty is standardized; it has become another product for sale. In its real sense, beauty is the illumination of your soul. There is a lantern in your soul, which makes your solitude luminous."
I would like to start this blog off with a poignant quote from the late John O'Donohue, from his book Beauty: The Invisible Embrace.
My dogs are the lantern in my soul, and they have long made my solitude luminous.
This is a time of great sadness in my life, but also great beauty. What Lila has taught me burns like a diamond on fire in my soul. I will carry on my work, love and help many more dogs, watch for her return, and take care of myself, because she showed me how to do all of the above.
This blog is for exploration of the great spiritual beauty and wisdom that dogs can bring us. I truly believe they are angels on this earth.
These are my dogs, past and present.Aren't they beautiful??
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